“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

2.09.2015

i know she holds my hand

here's a thing i do.
when i walk at night.

i walk and i don't think and then somewhere there on the sidewalk i begin to count, i don't know where, it just shows up out of silence and i find myself at 39, 40, 41, and then the counting falls into prayer, and sometimes in my prayers i ask to hold my mother's hand, me and god and her, a circle of clasped hands, and i don't know if it happens or not, but i tell myself it does and i bounce my gratitudes and sorrows and wants off them both, tell them things i figure they already know.

and i walk.
and i count.

one inhale, two exhale, step step inhale. exhale, and i watch the christmas lights going going almost gone in perfect rhythm to the lengthening of days, one light traded for the other, and i know, i know,
that when i at last step out into late daylight the christmas lights will all be dark.


when i walk at night.

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8 comments:

  1. another exquisite piece, sugar. i seldom get to walk alone - shoot, i get to do nothing alone any more - but on the rare occasion when i am alone, i pray to my daddy. shocking thing for a southern girl to say, i know. going to walk now. i'll be looking for you and your mama tonight.

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  2. this is so comforting. that probably sounds weird, but it is an image i will hold onto.
    i count steps often when i run, which does have a way of turning it into a meditation. i used to say that running was my religion. i think it still is, when i can do it.
    i love that she/they join you.

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  3. so beautiful I don't have words to say how much I love it.

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  4. When my father was dying, I would pray for God to hold me as I fell asleep. And He did, and I could literally *feel* His arms around me in a tangible way. So yes, I think that when you ask for that, they show up. And I think they're glad to see you. <3

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  5. There was something so intimately beautiful about this. I often find myself counting without even realizing.

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  6. you must have the most beautiful soul to see things the way you do. I read your posts over and over, sometimes closing my eyes and picturing your words....

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  7. I wonder what it is about counting-I catch myself doing that too-but not necessarily on walks.
    But, oh, this is such a beautiful way to remain connected to those that are gone. I shall keep this one in my heart.

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  8. So beautiful, it just touched my heart.

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