“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

3.02.2013

sometimes a pain is really a pain


there are blossoms outside, scattered across the ground, hanging from trees and fences and popping up out of the ground.  today is cold, sunny, windy, and skye cat is feeling not so well, staying close to me here on the couch, although it may be the wind; she hates windy weather.  mary lou from around the corner is walking past the door, all bundled up - long black coat, black hat, purple scarf, stick in hand to ward off any wild dogs that may come her way.

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when i last posted here i said february was a womb and i was curled inside, not knowing how true those words would turn out to be.  i have been in bed, staring at the ceiling most of the days since, mostly seeing the flowers through the doors and windows, but to everything, turn, turn, turn . . . i am finally up and about just a bit, at last the knowledge of this past year's ongoing pain discovered - a compressed sciatic nerve.  not fun, no indeed, but a small procedure is scheduled later this month, and hopefully healing will begin.  i have learned a lesson or two.  1. i am a terrible patient when in pain.  2. crying sometimes helps.  3.  it isn't always emotions that make you hurt.

that #3 is a hard lesson for me to learn.  i always first quick-like-a-bunny blame myself, my life, my anxiety, my this or my that.  in my defense, i will admit it's usually true - insert smiley face here;  i am not feeling sorry for myself, am, in fact, laughing at myself for that truth.  it is, in fact, partly/mostly that anxiety that keeps me in that spot - i want so badly to be able to just fix everything myself, to just think a different way and the pain will go away.  i hate medical stuff, have such a near-phobia about it all that i don't want to hear the doctor say yes, right here, see that?  such silliness and too much facebook induced fear.

today i walked a couple of blocks around the neighborhood, some medicine in me helping me move.  that's how i know how cold it is out there.  i am nervous about the procedure, because that's the way i am, already imagining all the worst possible scenarios - not good self care, but i am not going to beat myself up about that, which is maybe a tiny bit of good  self care.  i cannot wait to feel better.

i only tell you this so you know where i've been.  i found myself unable to read much or write more than a line or two, spent most of my awake time watching movies or tv on the laptop.  pinteresting.  missing a lot of work and lilycat time.  i've not taken one picture.  if you knew how impressed i am with myself for that cold little walk today, you would laugh with me.  i felt almost human again.  :)

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(perfect timing for this year's scintilla project.
a fortnight of storytelling.
i'll be there and you should too. 
it starts march 13.)

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14 comments:

  1. Oh dear! I am SO sorry that you have been so miserable! I have only had issue with my sciatic nerve at one time in my life, and it was excruciating. I could not imagine constant pain.

    I am sending you courage & my very best wishes. I will focus on the fact that every day brings you that much closer to relief.

    Looking forward to your Scintilla posts!

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    1. i have screamed a bit. lol! but if i'd taken it seriously a year ago and pushed my drs. more, i wouldnt've had to deal with it getting as bad as it did. thank you so much!

      and yay! for scintilla! can't wait to read you!

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  2. it is good to see your words again. i have sorely (no pun intended) missed you. heal.
    in fondest. tilda

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    1. hahaha! pun intended or not, i loved it! thank you!

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  3. I am laughing with you, I do know hat feeling.... And the knowing, it does make a difference, it's the first step, and then all those baby steps will follow. And it will be okay. It will be better. xoxo

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    1. oh. thank you for listening to my fears and putting up with me. i am ready for the baby steps. (i think - lol!)

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  4. I am glad you are beginning to feel human again. Fear of the unknown is always sitting at bay waiting to grab us. I know you will do just fine.

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  5. I am sorry to read of your pain, I have been thinking of you and wondering how you were. I wish this post had been full of stars and long seas and adventures instead of pain. I hope you are better soon, and I understand the fear all too well, and agree with Mrs Mediocrity - baby steps. (((Hugs)))

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  6. Just to say that I love the image...and so sorry to hear of the pain and soon-to-happen medical procedures. Sending warm healing wishes your way...

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  7. Sciatica is really nasty, i get it from time to time. Wishing you courage and fast healing.

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  8. So glad the cause of the pain has been identified, has a name, and a fix. Anxiety is tricky when it comes to these sorts of things. For me, information usually eases anxiety, but with medical things, and google and web md - well - that kind of information and self-diagnosis often only fuels the anxiety and so I'm learning to not do that. Hard, though.

    Take good care. You are being held close in thoughts and a RX of old movies will be forthcoming. xoxo

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  9. All the best to you. Speedy recovery. Lovely image.

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  10. Oh, love. Ouch :(

    Feel better ♥

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  11. I too am sorry to hear you are in pain. Having had a damaged disk that pinched that same nerve for many weeks, I can relate to both the pain and your anxiety. Might a chiropractor be able to help your condition, I wonder? (doctors don't always think so but it worked wonders in my case). I hope the procedure does the trick, glad you are taking the time to rest and give your body time to heal. Sometimes we need that emotionally as well as physically. Sending you best wishes and healing thoughts.

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