there are blossoms outside, scattered across the ground, hanging from trees and fences and popping up out of the ground. today is cold, sunny, windy, and skye cat is feeling not so well, staying close to me here on the couch, although it may be the wind; she hates windy weather. mary lou from around the corner is walking past the door, all bundled up - long black coat, black hat, purple scarf, stick in hand to ward off any wild dogs that may come her way.
when i last posted here i said february was a womb and i was curled inside, not knowing how true those words would turn out to be. i have been in bed, staring at the ceiling most of the days since, mostly seeing the flowers through the doors and windows, but to everything, turn, turn, turn . . . i am finally up and about just a bit, at last the knowledge of this past year's ongoing pain discovered - a compressed sciatic nerve. not fun, no indeed, but a small procedure is scheduled later this month, and hopefully healing will begin. i have learned a lesson or two. 1. i am a terrible patient when in pain. 2. crying sometimes helps. 3. it isn't always emotions that make you hurt.
that #3 is a hard lesson for me to learn. i always first quick-like-a-bunny blame myself, my life, my anxiety, my this or my that. in my defense, i will admit it's usually true - insert smiley face here; i am not feeling sorry for myself, am, in fact, laughing at myself for that truth. it is, in fact, partly/mostly that anxiety that keeps me in that spot - i want so badly to be able to just fix everything myself, to just think a different way and the pain will go away. i hate medical stuff, have such a near-phobia about it all that i don't want to hear the doctor say yes, right here, see that? such silliness and too much facebook induced fear.
today i walked a couple of blocks around the neighborhood, some medicine in me helping me move. that's how i know how cold it is out there. i am nervous about the procedure, because that's the way i am, already imagining all the worst possible scenarios - not good self care, but i am not going to beat myself up about that, which is maybe a tiny bit of good self care. i cannot wait to feel better.
i only tell you this so you know where i've been. i found myself unable to read much or write more than a line or two, spent most of my awake time watching movies or tv on the laptop. pinteresting. missing a lot of work and lilycat time. i've not taken one picture. if you knew how impressed i am with myself for that cold little walk today, you would laugh with me. i felt almost human again. :)
(perfect timing for this year's scintilla project.
a fortnight of storytelling.
i'll be there and you should too.
it starts march 13.)