too busy to remember to take a picture today, i cheated.
i swear i was gonna tell y'all, but there's a story that goes along with the cheating that i offer with my apology, and it's this: the age old truth that you can't go home again, or back again. you move forward always and that is a gift.
this image is from 3 decembers ago. in my search for a picture to cheat with tonight, to decorate my page and my words, i first went back to the images of last december, and then to the images of the december before that, each year so different, each christmas so different, even snow one christmas eve, and i remembered how i'd felt during those decembers, i, too, so different from the woman now typing these words. in truth i'd felt it with this year's first advent post, felt it when i went back and read my 2010 advent posts, felt it and was sad - that woman seemed to see magic so much easier than this one. i sensed a struggle as i wrote, felt myself pressuring myself to be that other woman again, but it's like falling out of love - when it's done, it's done; you can't get it back. i moved forward and i kept writing, and yesterday i felt it give, felt something loosen, felt myself stop trying so hard; i painted my toenails red in celebration and reached out to embrace this christmas in flipflops, with an unburdened heart. today i happened upon proof that i had indeed changed, and proof that it is more than all right.
the image at the top of this post is not the image i'd originally thought to publish all those years ago. it is the image before that one. i never published the other one, at least i don't think i did, i can't find where i did, but it's really not important. the important thing, the interesting thing, is that not being able to go back thing, because, like i said, like a thousand more important and famous authors other than me have said, you're never the same person as you once were, and back is always so different when you try to get there. this year i fell crazy in love with this image, the one with a bit of those sheep showing, which i didn't like at all 3 decembers ago. back then i liked the one with no painting peeping over the edge, liked just the wall and the lights - i thought this composition just wasn't working, thought the sheep were just in the way. i was so wrong. it is nothing without those sheep.
image taken at winnie & tulula's / athens, texas