“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

5.12.2012

dos gatos y dandelions y mother's day


it's a silly thing, really, just the making of a new story, there's no telling it, not yet, just these two cats figuring it out, or not.  just a silly thing, the way my heart feels when they are not working it out, when the jingle belle cat stands at the door i have been forced to close, staring in with her slanted blue eyes, just waiting.  when skye cat refuses to yield any space, when she looks at me as if i am a traitor, when i think i can read her unhappy thoughts about the whole situation.  when i let jingle in anyway, knowing i cannot go back.

last year i ignored mother's day.  i didn't write about it, i don't remember it.  maybe i went to the cemetery.  i probably did.  i think i did.  i think i stayed a minute and left.  last year come mother's day, skye cat had been living me only a week and i had at last managed to exhale, if only a bit.  i was still in survival mode, still trying to figure out the logistics of my mother's death.  that part hasn't changed much, but her cat now calls my home her home, and as i type those words, she leans her head back across my left arm and says hello.  the white underneath part of her neck needs rubbed.  i have learned her language.

this year feels more real.  this year i miss my mother a lot.

constant storm warnings,
then silence,
but i still keep my eye on the sky.
never mind that it's blue and the clouds are white.
never mind the afternoon sun across the lawn,
never mind the just-a-breeze moving the dandelions in a soft sexy dance,
slow.
never mind.

a year or so goes by and i start to feel again.  aches and pains seem a constant companion.  they come and never quite go.  they are waves on the water, nothing more, in and then out.  i watch them recede, knowing they will splash over me again.  inhale, exhale.  in, out.  life, death.  one cat, two cat.  

and so i let the two cat stay, let what will be just be.
i want to move like a dandelion;
i want to sway and revel in my inability to do otherwise.

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12 comments:

  1. i'm sorry that you have to miss your mom. blessings to you love. <3

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  2. sending love to you ..as the clouds roll and the dandelion sways ... mine gone 10 years now ..

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  3. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. There just isn't the right sentiment to express it adequately. This was lovely, though; and I'm sure that she would smile to see the delightful person that you are.

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  4. I'm sorry for your loss and sorrow. ((Hugs)) A mother's love is a forever love, she will still be with you. But how lovely if you could put your arms around her. Many blessings for today.

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  5. I know just how you feel. Missing my mom so much it hurts. She's been gone 11 months. It's raining here in PA and overcast...perfect weather for how I feel....tears falling and clouds covering my aching heart. Sending you a huge hug and love.

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  6. my heart is with you today. sending you much love, and love to skye cat and jingle bell too.

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  7. thinking of you. i do not celebrate this day. i will mow lawn and not think, except for you...
    tilda

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  8. my heart is glad your heart speaks the same language....

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  9. Thinking of you today & sending love. May dos gatos fill your heart & the sound of the waves melt into the background.
    <3

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  10. yes, that breeze that moves us... the inability to do otherwise. life that is always moving on with us without us.

    today my sister and i took my mom antiquing, nothing overly exciting, but just what she loves to do.

    on the way she was telling us about my dad last night, being so chilly he ended up sleeping under two velcro (meaning velour) blankets. we laughed and laughed. these are the moments i have learned to cherish.

    sending you hugs. wishing there was more to do or to say, wishing i had answers, or at least, comfort. thinking of you.

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  11. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine.

    So much love winging its way to you.

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  12. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, sending you hugs.

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