“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

12.11.2011

reverb 11: what i shoulda done more of


i walk on spinning stars.



what do you wish you had done more of in 2011?

reverb 11
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slowed down
slowed d o w n
s l o w e d  d o w n.
s  l  o  w  e  d    d   o  w  n.

as slow as i was, it was too fast.
as behind as i am.
i have been late with rent, insurance, taxes, credit card payments,
late to work, late to sleep.
there are unwritten thank you cards 9 months down this busy road
my hand will not pick up the pen.
it is a year cluttered with
 unsent birthday wishes,
books not finished,
thank yous not said aloud,
i love yous dropped in my purse,
and when i finally find where my keys are,
i remember what i forgot to say.

i sit, unable to move, and it is too fast.

how did it get so late so soon?  it's night before it's afternoon.  december is here before it's june.
my goodness, how the time has flewn.
how did it get so late so soon?
                                         ~~~~~ dr. seuss


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sometimes life just blindsides you, you never saw it coming you will say, and you will mean it and it will be true and you will run, if only in your soul, and there you are, suddenly in the red queen's race, unable to keep up with the same place where once you stood.  you will watch it pass you by, and you will regret those years of no aerobics that maybe would've helped you to just stay even, staying even would feel fabulous right now, but it's too late and you are running and you are dropping things, things you know you will miss later; you will be looking for the scissors and have no idea where they are.

lily cat is lonely.  she crawls into my lap and wants to stay, wants me to curl onto the couch with her; remember last year? i can hear her thinking, but she knows that won't happen, so she crawls onto my lap at the end of the day and she gets comfortable and warm and grows heavy with contentment.  please stay, she says, please just stay and let's watch the silence of the street outside, the wind and streetlamps and those shadows, the ones we kept company with last year, they are all waiting to say hello, but she knows i won't, knows i cannot, not yet, walk away from the loneliness of my mother's cat, who is waiting at my house, not yet used to aloneness during the day, who needs to flee through the opened door into the night and back again, flying with joy and freedom.  


and so i run.
there is an ache in my side
and i can't breathe,
but there are clouds at the top of the hill.

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8 comments:

  1. there are clouds and more spinning stars and more slowing down and more speeding up and more being behind.
    life just whips us around on the end of its tail... but hang on, hang on, it's one helluva ride.
    and your words, they always make it beautiful.
    xoxo

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  2. Sometimes I forget that we are still, in the heart of the universe, when everything seems to be going at top speed, including me.

    cats are wonderful, aren't they? seems they have a talent for bringing us where we need to be in ourselves. of course, sometimes we're torn. and then somehow we get two cats in our lives (or two people, or two places) that reflect it for us. at least, that's how it goes for me.

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  3. Thanks for this post today. I can tell it is shared from your heart and cats do help us to stop and share a moment now and then. Take care of yourself and remind yourself to stop and savor.

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  4. Oh Emma....I love this post...I related to it like you had written it about me. My cat says the same to me in the same way...I love your reverb posts...they are "full" of so much depth and exposure. Thank you for sharing yourself with us!
    Julia

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  5. yes .. i understand ..love love the photo!!

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  6. you had me with "i walk on spinning stars."

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  7. you brought me to tears. as you so often have the power to do. xxoo

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  8. Wow...it's funny. If I had answered this question, I think my words would have been the opposite of yours. I think I slowed down too much this past year. Sometimes I feel as though I am sleep walking through my life, and if I don't wake up soon, I am going to miss it.
    I suppose it's all about finding that illusive balance. Is there such a thing?

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