“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

8.22.2011

i have always had trouble with loud


too much noise, too much brightness, too much color, too many patterns, too much stuff on the page i'm reading.  i detest the ticket tape news scrawls at the bottom of all the news stations, now even the local ones.  it is just too much and it beats against me until i can't think, can't read, can't write, can't breathe. 

this past week i stepped away from facebook, leaving my account open for nothing but hard cold-blooded reasons - i have readers who get here via there - and i feel pretty awful about that, not that they come here from there, but that i think about it in such a business-like way; it feels untrue, it feels like i'm taking advantage of facebook, if such a thing could be possible, and it feels like i am being rude and unfair to those readers, and i apologize if you are one, if you feel that way.  this past week, also, i opened a twitter account, which lasted just a few days.  everyone was wonderful - everyone has always been wonderful - but it was too much noise.  too much.  so i deleted that, then rethought it, and re-opened it this morning. 

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i began to write this last night, after a panic attack.  a big one.  i was 4 hours past its beginning and it had eased, but only with the help of more than my normal drug dosage when dealing with such things.  i was into the crying part - the part where it was finally over and i could cry without fear of making it worse.  i was exhausted emotionally, and it was a picture of my year.  it has been too much.  i need a baby step back.

i am perhaps doing the wrong thing, perhaps not playing the networking game correctly, but i am taking that babystep away from it a bit, just keeping my toe in the water, stepping back to where i used to be.  here, where writing saved me.  i am mulling over possibilities for combining emma tree and the thief of quotations, although i may not, it may be too difficult.  i find the simplicity of the thief draws me, entices me, and i am listening to my heart when it tells me what i need right now.  i will still be here, it is my place, but i will simplify.  i may change the name to encompass everything.  i may not, i think not, emma tree is me, but i need less noise.  softer lights.  faded colors.

what i know is that i need some time to be me again, to not be the person worrying about how to get her stuff published, though i would love that, to not be the person worrying about attracting more readers, though i would love that also.  i need some time to find my stories again, stories beyond grief and heat, though there will still be some of those.

i need a year, i think.  alfred stieglitz gave georgia o'keeffe a year - i give it to myself. 

so.  expect a few changes here and there - not many, not much; the words will still be here.  i just need some space around them.  and besides, i imagine i will clutter the space up again within this coming year. 

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17 comments:

  1. space is good. silence is good. sometimes you just have to take what you need. xoxo

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  2. I completely honour, respect and support all decisions you make to better connect to your Self - and in so doing, express your creativity in ways that leave you feeling connected and at peace.

    Being an Empath AND an Introvert ~ I can relate to your feelings of 'noise' when it comes to this media. I feel it too - and it often gets too much for me as well. So, I disappear for awhile and come back when I'm feeling full and balanced enough to participate whole-heartedly once again.

    I think for me, I find that too many people speak/shout/post/tweet for the sake of simply being heard. Whether they're sharing info that may only interest themselves, close friends and family - or whether they're mindlessly re-posting, re-tweeting, sharing the thoughts and expressions of those they either admire or want to be noticed by ... it all becomes so overwhelming for someone like me.

    What I like about you - and many of the people who 'follow' you and connect with you is that you so beautifully participate in the lost art of expressing as a means to creating 'a lifeline, a vein of expression by which we affirm, again and again and again, that we are vital, a quickening part of all the majesty and variety of life.'

    (That's a quote I often reference by Mark Nepo in a passage he wrote about Living Out Loud as a primary means of voicing ourselves vs in order to be heard. It is THIS that I want to achieve. And when I feel myself just 'being noisy' with little of significance to truly say -- I retreat within for periods of time.)

    Anyway, here I am monopolizing your page and making noise about me. Let me sign off by saying that I, for one, appreciate that you've left your Facebook page open so that I may still feel connected to you. You make me think and you provide opportunities for me to feel. I don't feel used at all ~ in fact, I feel pretty blessed.

    Thank you ...

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  3. we live in a time where we have so much. so many, very many, options. but it's TOO much, you know? the expression "you can do anything"--including keep a blog, tweet, update your fb and keep up with your 1,000 friends--is just too vast. it gives no direction.
    try not to take it all seriously. your words are lovely, and i believe need to be read, but not at the expense of your sanity. <3

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  4. I totally understand these feelings. Though I have still been blogging, I have not visited others every day like I once did. No Twitter for me. I joined a group on Facebook and it overwhelmed me to the point I had to drop it. I really questions Pinterest when several told me I should join. I have enjoyed that now that I have joined as I don't worry about followers and following. It does become so overwhelming, so I totally understand.

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  5. "Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." (Cyril Connolly)

    And it's your self, your heart, your thoughts, your honesty, your poetry (because your writing is that), that is the pulse of your blog ... no matter if you post here or there or lots of somewheres ... what you share here is an organic force that draws people even without all the social networking.

    Take care of you; listen to your what your heart is saying. The other stuff will fall into place.

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  6. It sounds to me like you have a sound plan to deal with the noise in your life. I hope that with changes you will feel more stable off the written page.

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  7. What I love about your blog (& you!!) is that it is so *not noisy*.
    You have always posted when you did, about whatever was true for you~short or long, it is always beautiful & from the heart.
    Don't ever think you need to do something for us.
    I, for one, feel grateful to have these breaths of cool, calm, intelligent, lovely air.
    Be still as long as you need to.

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  8. stepping back is good sometimes my friend .. sending you a hug from down the road a ways ..quiet here as well

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  9. thank you all for such heartfelt, thoughtful comments.

    skye - i would like to be able to say i did all this busy-ness for y'all, but i was doing it for me, ignoring what i have right now for what i might coulda woulda had in the future if i played the game right. but i'm reminded of the story robert earl keen tells of when he was a young up & coming musician, struggling, needing money, gigs, radio air time, and a radio station wanted to interview him, a wonderful thing; they told him to be there at 8 in the morning, or 7, or maybe 9. he was a musician, not a morning person, and he said, "man, this is not working for me . . . "

    and he's done all right for himself.

    :)

    xoxo to you all. and bless you!
    debi

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  10. too much is never good. space, quiet and time are all good things.

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  11. s p a c e i s g o o d.

    breathing room is good.

    and so are your words, whatever you decide, I'll be there reading.

    xo

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  12. Here is the truth as I've found it:

    The noise drives us so far away from ourselves; the silence leads us back.

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  13. i will forever read whatever you write. but only here, as i do not do facebook, tweeter, and such.
    but your words, your toes, your inner thoughts you so generously and shamelessly share with us, beckon me back each day to see how your world is that day. to watch you heal, and grieve and accept. never for one moment doubt your enticement of your words. we are all hooked.
    in fond regard, Tilda

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  14. I love you, friend. I just love you and your quiet seeking ways.

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  15. People don't leave because things are hard. People do leave because it's no longer worth it.


    ____________________________________
    Tera Gold Cheap
    Runescape Gold
    Tera Account

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  16. i like quiet and i like space - i completely understand that.
    but i guess i like some action and companionship (that's what the ones who comment on my blog feel like to me) too. so i struggle with my whole blog and FB thing and lack of attention it gets. i don't have "the touch" for it so almost every day i think why am i bothering.
    I admire you and your writing - speaking completely from the heart and so real I feel like i know you. that's why i linger here - why i continue to follow the ones i do - it's not noisy there it's friendly.

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  17. How funny. I was just thinking the very same thing about the news this morning...that constantly moving band that never stops, that keeps fighting for my attention, and the more I try and ignore it, the more it wins. What am I doing watching news in the morning anyway?

    I love what you have done to your space here. It is so clean and open and soft. Simply words and images..the essentials that the soul wants to feast upon. I so understand your need for quiet, for simplicity, for calm.

    I have never tried twitter. It kind of freaks me out sometimes when I feel like I am moving farther and farther away from all this media stuff. My facebook account is virtually ignored most days. Will I become a hermit? A lonely old bat who doesn't know anything about the way the modern world works?
    Would it be such a bad thing? I have to wonder.

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