“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

4.20.2011

it is after 5 a.m. and i have been up since before 4


awake since 3:15, giving up on the possibility of sleep and finding a coke, and alan rickman on the tv, giving in to the day starting so early. thinking about words and paint and moving and how scared i remain of it all, but how there is no way out, and trying like crazy to give in to that idea.  i painted this past weekend, painted the dining room and most of the living room - it takes 5 hours to work through a gallon of paint - and the color moves from taupe to lavender to gray; the light is crazy in the space and changes constantly, and i want the color of shimmer on the top of a still lake on a gray day, sunlight just behind the clouds, and am not quite there, but the color i laid upon the walls is a color i can live with and think about for a while, so it will stay.  i laid it on with words spoken aloud, words i won't repeat here for fear of sounding silly, but i spoke to the house, told it my hopes and dreams for it, wanted it to know, and the brushstrokes were the meditation i knew they would be - no music, no tv, just me and paint and skye the cat wandering in and out of the open doors - and the day was just about perfect.  the house sang back to me, i could feel it hum with happiness.  but that was saturday and it is wednesday morning and fears have crept back and awakened me, as fears always do, they always do, and so i fight them off with words, with the memory of a singing house waiting to be filled with joy, waiting for the finish line to be crossed, waiting for it to be done and me moved in, waiting to embrace me, and that helps. 

just a little - it is still early
and i am a slow waker.
the days, however, are long,
and on my side.

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17 comments:

  1. I was awake at your 3:15, which is my 4:15, for various and same reasons. Next time, I will text you a "good morning" and discuss in small words that idea of "waiting to embrace me".

    xxoo

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  2. I hate how those fears seem to be magnified at night. Love the idea of the house singing to you. May it embrace you with a lullaby. x

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  3. during this time each day serves different emotion to work through no matter the time or shade newly painted wall..a singing house sounds wonderful

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  4. i bet that house is so ready for you to move in....throw the worries out the window. walk over that threshold proudly.....the way your mom would want you to !

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  5. keep tuned into that house song, Lovely One.
    Much love !

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  6. try not to fear,,,empty words, i know,,,but

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  7. I was up around this time last night because of a tornado warning. I have deep fear of them as my childhood neighbors house got turned over. Fear is something that can set me down a path on its on. I love what you did..you got up and let the house sing to you. That is a encouraging thing to do. Moving through fear can feel impossible and it is so much easier if you let the little thing pull you back.

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  8. The paint details sound great, luck with that. I like your blog. {8)

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  9. Things usually seem more of a worry at that time of the early morning/middle of the night and get less so as the soft light comes in but it can feel like a long time. Keep your heart and ears open to your home, seems like a good beginning.

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  10. Oh, those early morning hours... I usually am up by 4:30, and of course Kitty and I get to spend some quality time before I hit the computer keys. Of course Kitty is either going to be chowing down, crapping, or getting back into a deep sleep on my lap. We're only going to paint if we have to move. I worked as a paint-maker for 15 years and it just seems like too much work. And I haven't a clue why I had to tell you all of these things, but there you go.

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  11. i was also up then, a thunderstorm that caused the dog and I to both jump a foot off the bed. then my husband telling me the basement was beginning to flood. and i thought of staying up, but in the end i went back to bed.
    i am glad that you talked to the house, and that it sang back to you. that is a very good thing.
    and oh my, i LOVE that image.
    xoxo

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  12. I know so many women who are having trouble sleeping...here it is 1:10AM and I am fully awake, sipping chamomile tea, journaling and hoping I can make myself sleepy. With the dark comes the worry...and all the thoughts we can keep at bay during the day creep in to say their piece.

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  13. I completely sympathize! For me the fear and anxiety come at bed time and I've learned not to work then or I get a second wind and cannot stop. I am usually just really going into a deep sleep around 4 a.m. Now I have a string of white holiday lights in a basket that I turn on and they seem to hold the fears at bay. Thanks for sharing and good luck with your house!

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  14. i have a saying, feel the fear and do it anyway. Now i'm not always great at doing that but it's in the back of my mind taunting me when i get stuck on some memory or begin to doubt or just plain freeze with the fear or it all. Each day needs to be walked through fearfully or bravely and often one becomes the other just breathe and take a step Debi.
    xo

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  15. Have you heard the phrase, fear is false evidence appearing real? I've been reading about your move into your mother's house with Skye. It sounds like after a bit of time, you'll both settle in. I love the sound of the color you're painting the walls. And the house singing to you, how lovely.

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  16. dark nights of the soul. their songs tear one's heart apart. and leaves small cracks where light filters through into unexpectedly magical patterns of deep knowing*

    i love you my friend and am sending autumn leaves under a clear blue sky**

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  17. the color of shimmer on the top of a still lake on a gray day....how lovely.

    I must ask...what were you watching with Alan Rickman?
    I love that man.

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