“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

2.27.2011

time off

this space is always an empty box when i begin.  white.  containing nothing but possibilities and stories yet to be told. yesterday, i could say, there were pear trees blooming, 4 and then another 4.  tiny white blossoms just beginning, and they were to my left as i walked the skywalk to the corridor which led to the hall which took me to my mother's hospital room and even more bad news and i ran away in tears.  this time the pear trees were to my right.

and such is life. 
it is folly to pretend otherwise.

it is now today and day 21 of my mother's journey but i lasted only a minute and a half yesterday afternoon.  i ran because i could - i fled.  i thought i'll run and i'll write about those pear trees, i'll talk about that last one that is just a young teenager, not quite grown all the way up, but bursting proud with new blossoms nonetheless, and i'll forget everything else;  the problem is it was the pear trees on my left i wanted to talk about, but they were obliterated by the blur of the ones on my right as i ran. 

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i have only those words and they are too hard to write.
maybe later.
maybe.

i will be back when this is done.

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27 comments:

  1. I can feel how much your heart is hurting and I'm so very sorry. So many are holding you here, you and your Mom, all your family.
    Sending prayers,
    Susan

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  2. ..simply have no words to comfort you. i took this same journey 18 months ago. i walked with my mother in her journey as far as i could go with her and then i told her in her last two dying days, that others would be there to take her hand when i had to let it go..they would walk with her the rest of the way. they did. i remember these days almost minute by minute. i know how intensely difficult this is for you. but it continues, regardless.
    you remain in my thoughts and i am so touched by your beautiful haunting words.
    in fond regard, Tilda

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  3. holding your hand . lighting a candle . watching the same pear trees . remembering a time such as this..

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  4. Take the time needed, thinking and praying for you and your mom, holding you close in my heart.

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  5. still holding you both in my heart and my prayers.
    love

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  6. I wish I could take your pain away. Know that you are in our thoughts. Big hug. x

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  7. No words Debi...no words. Thinking of you and wishing I could help...

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  8. Debi the pain is almost unbearable at times I know, my ad passed 7 years ago and I remember the long days sitting by his bed talking to him holding his hand wishing I could make him better. Such a hard an terrible time for you. Just breathe Debi and know we are thinking of you and your wonderful mother

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  9. sending you all good thoughts, and courage, and positivity, and some african sunshine to warm your day; some silence for you to sit in and just be, and hopes that you are with people who you love.

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  10. I've been quietly sending you love each and every day.
    I have no words for you...only love.
    xoxo

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  11. take all the time you need. we love you, we hold you in prayer, we will wait patiently. sending you more love than you can imagine.

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  12. Let love sustain you through this time, & take all of the time your heart & soul need. We will be here, dearest one. <3

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  13. Holding you in prayer for strength to walk by the pear trees and have them sing to your healing heart. Take the time you need, we will be here waiting for your return.

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  14. Holding you gently in my thoughts, Deb.

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  15. It's hard to find the words to write here in this little white comment box too. I want to send comfort to you and your mom but I know it is such a difficult, scary, impossibly sad time that words somehow don't seem adequate. Do what you can, don't do what you can't, it's okay to take the time to be kind and loving to youself as well as your mom. May peace be with you both.

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  16. Some of you know this, but many don't. My mom passed away yesterday morning, Monday, February 28. I will soon be back, but need time to deal with things, to figure out physical things (house, funeral, etc.,etc.) + heart things.

    Thank you all for your loving words during this time, for your understanding & support. As I said, I'll be back. Soon.

    I love you all.

    xoxo
    Debi

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  17. i came this morning as i do each day to read your words, where your soul lets us in, and got to the post before this. and am sitting here crying. for you..and probably for me. while not the answer you wanted, it is regardless, the answer. i still have no words, you know how we all feel. but if i was there, i would hold you and we could cry. and i could listen.
    take some time. heal some. grieve some. let spring enter your being.
    we will all wait until you can come again.
    while not great words, i can only say...i'm sorry.
    in fondest thought, Tilda

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  18. Sending warm thoughts your way. We will all be here when you return.
    blessings,
    Andrea

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  19. I stumbled here a little over a month ago. You have not left my heart since.
    Pear trees bloom outside my door. I'm lifting you as high as I can reach for the sky where I know winds blow calm and cool.

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  20. I am so sorry. Take all the time you need, praying for you and your loved ones

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  21. My heart breaks for you, as I recall my Mom fourteen years ago. At times it seems so long ago, but then it also seems like yesterday.

    Please try to be patient with yourself. Each day will bring what it brings.

    Blessings,
    Dixie

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  22. I am so very sorry for your loss, Debi. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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  23. simple words cannot sooth, but perhaps sending positive thoughts can help(just a little)

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  24. Yep, I've been through of all that mother stuff... Funny how the roles get reversed...

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  25. ...holding you in silence...not needing words...just holding.

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come. sit under the emma tree & let's talk. i have cookies . . .