“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

1.30.2011

there were blackbirds this morning


more than four and twenty, and the sunday streets wet with last night's rain.  the days are warm, the nights cool, my house chilly with a heater that refuses to stay on, colder weather coming this week, rain here again now, the skies wet with clouds.

my hands itch to be dirtied with art.  my dollhouse start is full of obstacles, my head full of no words, my body no energy, and thoughts are scattered everywhere, birds in the sky looking for a place to land, jittery wings between raindrops, darting in one direction, startled into another.  the tv is egypt and trouble and higher gas prices and facebook is don't-eat-this-don't-eat-that-boycott-here-don't-shop-there, and i retreat into bad fiction, unable to move past beginnings, already bogged down with that striving to be perfect thing, fearful of being honest, and using that as an excuse for the not doing.

it is part of it, but not all, and i'm not sure what the other parts are made of, but today it all feels like excuses, not truth. using january dreariness as a reason for not working on my january room seems somehow . . . wrong.  lazy.  and keeps my hands unhappy, my hands who want to be sploshed with paint and glue, my fingers who want to figure out how to get this wire to do that, and can only figure it out in the doing.  but my hands are not in control.  they wait.

this almost-over afternoon says to stop here, to stop talking about it, just start the doing from right here, and it is right, of course - rainy afternoons usually know what they are talking about - but i immediately hear myself reply  in just a bit.  later.  soon.  there better not be a good movie on tcm.  i sigh.  i get more ice.  i do anything but.  i tell myself it really is january dreariness.  and maybe it is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

15 comments:

  1. I feel this way today, too. I've been trapped by three ridiculous movies when I have books to be read and words to be written! And I'm sick; so ready for this day to be over.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh my what a sight! It's reminiscent of some kind of Hitchcock movie!

    ReplyDelete
  3. At least the birds that flew over stayed flying and alive....
    Living in hibernation mode in January has just become my way of being. I am tired of beating myself up for that any more. The perfect stuff is just going to have to wait for me as I do what I seem to be meant to in January... Oh, and maybe part in February too... :-)
    Be gentle with that gorgeous self, Lady!

    ReplyDelete
  4. oh, you have words. even when you have none, well, there they are.
    i love, love, love that photo. and i get, get, get everything you say here, this january has been the same for me, even though january is usually my friend.
    i keep telling myself, one more day and then it will be february and something will shift and i will settle into this new year. just a hope, i know, but it could happen, right?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hang in there, ladies. I hear you, Debi, I know what you're saying (and as usual, you say it so well, even when you feel you are not), I have felt it too but not today. Today I'm thinking, we're almost there, one month closer to warmth and sun and a reprieve from winter. We just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, putting pen to paper, typing out those keystrokes that bind us together, even if it's just baby steps carrying us forward to tomorrow. Even in hibernation, good things are getting ready to bloom when the time is right.

    ReplyDelete
  6. These wise ladies are correct: your eloquence flickers no matter how the dreary dark may feel silent.
    It must be something in the alignment of the stars; I have also been feeling this way, so aware I am letting precious time swirl away, yet unable/willing to be more in motion than I must be.
    We shall see how the seasons shall influence us all...

    ReplyDelete
  7. I hear you.

    Remember that it is very nearly February and be gentle on yourself -

    sending love!

    x

    ReplyDelete
  8. Love this ~ and I'm in the same mood!? (smile)

    ReplyDelete
  9. There has been something about the month of January that has a lot of us battling with the same feelings of dreariness and procrastination. I've found it so hard to get going this year. I'm pinnning my hopes on February. :0)

    ReplyDelete
  10. give those hands a life of their own....let them loose i say. and you can just sit back and watch...think of the fun !

    and like you always say. "i can gesso over it"

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  11. the movement in that photo and the words that you type say otherwise BUT
    january ending can really feel this way . I so understand

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh yeah, January dreariness. Frustrating. Escape novels - good. Naps - good. The point is - WHY? We want to create, have great surges of creating and joy. Why do we torture ourselves. If there is an answer, I would like to know it.

    ReplyDelete
  13. When the January drearies go away and the sunshine returns, I do have more energy and laughter in my heart. I soon need to make my February doll house. It will have heart, I am sure. Isn't that what February is all about?

    ReplyDelete
  14. i totally agree with january dreariness, and don't believe it's an excuse at all. i think we should 'lose' the month from our calendar's, or maybe january should only be 2 weeks, lest we have too much time to dwell. i think its a month to be easy on ourselves...and know that february is coming (has arived, isn't it the 2nd today :) - and things can only get better.
    i'm in england where it is very VERY cold....am in dire need of some strong african sunshine to warm my very cold bones!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. I think there is something to be said for hibernation...I think we contain it in our genes, just as the bears do...just not as extreme. I am learning to honour that, and not beat myself up for sleeping in, or doing nothing. It's a cycle, and as the sun starts to warm our souls, we will move again.

    ReplyDelete

come. sit under the emma tree & let's talk. i have cookies . . .