“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

1.10.2011

florida from the inside, last night


dark last night when i arrived, and late when i went to bed, 4 women up in the night talking about their lives and clothing and socks and snowmobiles, but this morning my anxiety woke me early, whispering in my ear that i should go home, that i should take my things and get in the jeep and sneak away, leaving only a note.  but i argued with it, said i should wait for beth to be up, though she may already be, she probably is, and give her a hug for her generosity and her so  thoughtful heart, and then just turn the jeep back in the other direction and move forward, closer to home, but all the while understanding deep in my soul that it would be an optical illusion of forward movement, i would really be heading backwards.  and so i have had a bit of pepto bismol and writing as an early breakfast and i am better and the day awaits. 

the morning breaks blue and white outside the windows of this room, so private, its own staircase and fridge, and it looks cold out there.  there is a green house visible from where i am propped on this sinfully huge comfortable bed, and there is a pink house next to it, visible from my balcony.  there are tree branches gentle in the morning breeze, stopping for a moment, then gentle again, as if the day is softly shaking them awake, and they are asking for just 5 minutes more, reluctant to rouse from their slumber - it’s cold,  they say, and you know how that is, how much harder it is to fully come awake on a cold morning. 

fully come awake.  a goal worth striving for.

and so, i will stay, if only one day at a time, that's all i have to do, and there are 3 wonderful women in the other part of this house, and i want to say the other part of this incredible  house, but fear using too many adjectives, although it is  incredible.  kim will be here later today, and then there will be 5 of us.  i write these words for me, as a journal of this trip, and i write of the anxiety because it is always with me, and i want the world and y'all to understand this is not just a mental "hangup" - real anxiety disorders strangle people's lives.   tv portrays them so badly, so tv-like, so just a hissy fit and here, breathe  and you're all better.  it is insulting to those of us who struggle with the reality.  so i will keep you up to date re: that + this beautiful place.  yin/yang, good/bad, win/lose, here/there, or actually here/here.   si?

i promise non-cellphone images soon.  today will be rainy and i don't know what's out there in the distant daylight, but it looks pretty enticing from my room.

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17 comments:

  1. You are very brave ~ and wise, too. One day at a time, one experience at a time, one moment at a time. Break it down ~ it IS more manageable that way.

    Hooray for you, Debi! I look forward to reading about your experiences this week. Thank you ...

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  2. So happy you are there! Enjoy and savor each moment. Proud of you for pushing forward!

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  3. By now you've seen the emerald green water, the sugar white sand, and I have no doubt it will calm your anxieties... it always did mine. Yes, breathe... and one foot in front of the other - forward.

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  4. Anxiety can be difficult to battle with, you're right to take it one day at a time. Be strong. x

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  5. Just breathe... You are in good hands...and in the comfort of wonderful women. All will be well!!

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  6. today is all there is and TODAY is a triumph.

    xxoo

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  7. Cookies. . . .
    a man's best friend__
    when his wife is away.

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  8. Sending you the miracle of success.
    A beautiful read.

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  9. And I am glad you are telling the truth, naming what there is to be named, & consistantly making the choice to work through it & choose joy.
    Love to you always.

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  10. Hey Debi, I've made that drive many times between Texas/Colorado and
    Fla./Ga. and I have to say that you should just be so insanely proud of your self! Reap the rewards, soak in the sisterhood.
    All the best,
    Susan

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  11. i know the early morning breakfast you speak of .. you are a actually there .. what a reality that is

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  12. i am so happy, for you, that you stayed. one day, one hour at a time. it sounds like such a wonderful place, i hope that it will wrap its arms around you and make you welcome.

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  13. As a relative newcomer to your world, I don't always know exactly what you are saying, as I don't know the before. But I do read the now. Your words are strangely, with me for hours. I cannot stay away. I have suffered from anxiety for years, stiffling anxiety. Debilitatng anxiety. So this part of you I totally understand. I am SO proud of you. I know the getting thru one day of a trip. Keep doing ONE day.

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  14. Debi, I feel such excitement for you. I know of your anxieties...many of them I share....and to see you taking this step is nothing short of inspiring. I love how you are handling it, one day, one moment at a time, knowing that you have the choice to do as you please at any given moment (that is self care at it's finest)...I think the best direction to take is the one that feels best within your heart...whatever feels the truest for you, and you are so good at recognizing your truths.

    You go girl! And have a wonderful wonderful time...you are in good company.

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  15. Debi, your bravery astounds and inspires me. I do not, at least as far as I know, have an anxiety disorder but I would find it so hard to do what you are doing now. I, too, would have woken up in the morning and been tempted to sneak out and run back home. I might have actually done it. I might have not even made it to Florida in the first place. You are so strong, and I love you.

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  16. Oh, what a wonderful opportunity. I am so glad you stayed, that you conquered. I feel a bit envious - of both you and Beth. But, mostly, I am bigger than that and am just plain happy for you.

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come. sit under the emma tree & let's talk. i have cookies . . .