“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

9.27.2010

i was wearing the blues this weekend

and not the good kind, not the cute kind like these marked down dirt cheap Gap blue shoes, but the kind that kept me indoors watching old doris day movies and critiquing her hats and houses, and not making the bed, with twix candy bars for supper and i don't even care that much for twix, but the ever-wonderful michael had some stashed in the refrigerator at work, and that's where i was for a while, needing to spend some time with lilycat, so there you go. and i was feeling like I shouldn't say that out loud here, not wanting people to feel sorry for me or worry about me, not wanting anyone to read more into it than there is, and suddenly realizing that's a sneaky subtle form of the same ole same ole - me just sitting there and being pretty - and aha! a light bulb goes on in my head and it ain't one of those wussy energy conserving ones that splutters & flickers before lighting up all the way. It lights all the way up real fast and is a 100 watter, bright for such a small space.

aha, thinks i, we do it to each other, we say to each other i wanna hear about only your happy times, please don't tell me about another weekend that broke your heart, please just give me a list of joy, and i get that, i really do, dear god, there are days i am on my knees with thanks for those blogs and websites that are just happy and full of words that make me smile, full of pretty pictures, and there are days i bloghop from one white house blog to another, grateful they are there to pull my thoughts away from the clutter in my house, from the fear that i am stuck in these rooms forever when i want so badly to be gone - i thank the universe and god and the trees and the moon and stars that these places exist.

this is not one of those places.  when i get down i talk about it.  sometimes the details are unnecessary, the road that led me there unimportant, but i have to talk about it and i have to let those words loose into the air, i have to find my way to the gifts hidden in the blues.  it is nothing to worry about.  it is just life.  and yes, perhaps i get sad more often than others, sadness brought about by events i can't control, and i would like to say i'm sorry about that, but i'm not.  there will be no apology here for feeling things.  would i like to be less so?  yes, but i will not apologize for the way i am. 

and so. this weekend i thought doris day's black hat with the white feather thingy was ridiculous, i thought the laundry could wait, i thought the cereal bowls stacked in the sink could wait, i sat at the table and painted while listening to the texas rangers win the west,  i noticed my pajama pants had little white circles drawn all over them and wondered if that was the reason i was painting little circles all over the canvas, and even wondered if that could be the reason for the circles in the just sit there and look pretty painting, even though i don't think i ever wore them when working on that.  this weekend i played computer mahjong for hours on end and read still more trixie belden and watched mad men, even though i think don draper could kick jon hamm's ass, and probably should.

16 comments:

  1. i wish i could ..the words get stuck ..so i just take photos of birds .. clouds .. and they are not always bright ...
    i relish the second paragraph..yes she says emphatically!!

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  2. sometimes you just HAVE to slump down and get dirty.

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  3. This post is so apt and relatable and, as always, poetic and true.

    So much to say, but for now, just want to say thank you for sharing, thank you for putting this out there, thank you for the inspiration.

    It's good to know I'm not the only one who has Twix for dinner and mourns my heart cat (oh how I miss her), and who writes to process, and feels sad, and, and, and ...

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  4. "but i will not apologize for the way i am"...and because i seem to regularly do the opposite, i hold you in very high esteem. whether you are feeling blue. or pale aqua. or pink.

    love to your cuteness. :)

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  5. Right on!!! No apologies for feeling things!!! I think a big role in why our society is so pathological emotionally is just that: we got afraid of the dark places & tried to avoid them~~take valium or scotch or another trip to the Virgin Islands to be happy-happy-all-the-time.
    Nope. Life is not like that & never was. Feel the dark places. Go sit with them, listen to them, eat Twix with them...The inner allowance to stay where we are, for the moment, allows us to heal out of it & grow into beings that have that in our history. And! Now it is that: a part of my history; a part of what made me the capable & whole person I am now.
    Ooopsie. `:-p Long post...But that's how I feel @ it.
    It sounds, all in all, not like a bad weekend at all, in the scheme of things. <3

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  6. and you shouldn't apologize. this is your place, it is part of who you are, it is yours. i say, good for you. i prefer real life, real hearts, real souls. life is up and down, constantly changing, it just is.
    your words are always beautiful and always from the truth of your heart.
    and i love that.

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  7. claire and i talked about blogs this weekend and we love the real blogs....the ones where not every day is a vision of loveliness with rose petals thrown in for that extra beauty....

    we love real...real life....real feelings...real you name it....and because of that, we love you !

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  8. Somedays are just like this. We almost need to give ourselves permission to have them and feel guilty when we do. Ride it through, take in the thoughts, and you will grow through it. At least that is what I tell myself when I have days like this.

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  9. mmmmm, yes, thank you - the honesty is so refreshing :)

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  10. White dots and Rangers. Sounds like a fantastic weekend:)

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  11. i think we all do this sometimes,,,

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  12. i wish i could write as freely as you do, as openly. it's blogs like yours that draw me in. i find myself saying "yes" i know that feeling. i love it here - always - no matter the blue

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  13. The brighter the light, the darker the shadow. We cannot have one without the other.

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  14. and of course I've said it before, but... I admire your honesty so very much and am extremely grateful that you share your heart here--your whole heart. It is important for you, for your own well-being, but it is also valuable for us... or at least I find it so. No one's life is perfect, things can't be happy all the time, and watching you be courageous and honest about the not-so-joyous days helps me deal with mine, it really does. Thank you so much, Debi. ♥

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  15. I love you.
    You make me want to burst out of a shell I feel trapped in. Words like this give me power.
    I could almost laugh at the synchronicity here...going to email you...
    xoxoxoxo

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  16. Have I told you how much I love that you are binging on Trixie Belden? She was my preteen heroine. I had many, many adventures with the Bobwhites, you know.

    Now all you need is a handful of pixie sticks.

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