“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

8.26.2010

i dreamed of writing last night

and poetry among the shadows, and i searched for words to rub together to start a fire, and i wondered how did i get here - letting the days go by - and had i made a wrong turn somewhere. i felt quite lost, felt overwhelmed with the search, felt angry about it; there were no words in the poetry that even sparked a spark, and i was tired and i was without hope and didn't want to look any more. and then i awoke.

this is called thinking too much. this is called oldest sibling too sensitive perfectionist daughter. that's how i got here. that, and reading without writing. too many influences. too much input, not enough output. an anonymous comment making me feel i am too much the sad blogger too often. it takes so little for me to question myself, to back away, to feel i am wrong, to feel i must change. i am once again that first grader who will not read in the reading circle, who stays silent when it comes her turn, who will only speak to the teacher, and then only at her desk, where the others can't hear and laugh at her. i am that child again, afraid to talk. it never goes away.

i have a good life - i will say it right out loud so there is no misunderstanding. it is not perfect; i don't live in a house by the water, maggie the cat was not immortal, my mother is ill and often requires more than i think i can give, i don't make enough money. but i am easily content and not easily bored. i am happy to watch the clouds move across the sky and i notice doorways and the colors of buildings and not a shadow crosses the wall that i don't think of as art. i seldom read poetry, am unschooled in rumi and mary oliver, though familiar with both, but know the poetry of my life, the hard parts and the easy. i will show you both. look away if you must - i understand.

and so. this morning. here i stand in jeans too big, baggy and comfortable. the shadows that will burst with dogwood blossoms in the spring lay against the wall. there is a baby gift to wrap in blue paper and the day lies before me, empty, the air cooler by 10 degrees. it feels like change.

24 comments:

  1. A sad blogger? No way! Why are people so threatened by anything that is less than sunshiny and perfect? I see a lot of suppression in some of those endlessly cheery blogs; it isn't REAL.

    I appreciate, so much, your honesty and authenticity in happiness and words, reflection and photographs.

    I'll never look away from whatever you share here. ♥

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  2. don't have the words to describe how your writing makes me feel, so I will just say, I love how you write :)

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  3. Jeannine & Jeane - Thank you. My inner scared, shy child showed up & refused to leave. Funny how she keeps hanging around, waiting for just one little thing or comment. Gotta find a way to give her courage.

    xoxo
    Debi

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  4. Just love her, love her, love her. Whisper in her ear how beautiful & talented & amazing she is, & that when she is all grown up, she will bring smiles & tears & inspiration & love to people all over the world that she will never meet, but be friends with all the same.
    Tell her in her ear. like a secret, so they other kids in class won't feel bad...

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  5. Debi - I've gotten my spark back from a women's writing conference (IWWG). Got some wonderful prompts there that have proven to be fertile ground. And the best "ideas to get you juiced" writing book I've ever encountered is Jack Heffron's The Writer's Idea Book. Maybe we should start an online writers' group -- or maybe you should find one in your area so you have some support and a feeling of accountability. Kind of like "weigh-ins" for writing.

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  6. Debi, as I read your words, I can relate to that child within...I am an oldest of 4, raised-by-perfectionists child...when I was young, I was very shy, but to know me now, people don't believe me. When I read your feelings, I can understand 'perfectly' how you are feeling...I have not ever expressed it out loud as you have, tho. I changed job positions recently, and was amazed at the not-good-enough, insecure feelings that tried to pop up!!

    You have made wonderful poetry in just being you...thanks for sharing!!

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  7. Okay, so now I am smiling, no laughing, because how can we be on this same page, so far apart?. Like a book whose binding has been cracked and whose pages have scattered, some here, in my backyard, some making it down there, all the way to Texas. Or vice versa.

    Tell that little girl to speak her mind. I know she is afraid, I was that girl, too. (this is my truth: I literally picked my major for college based on the fact that it was one of the only ones that did not require me to take public speaking.) But even though she is still afraid sometimes, I have learned that there are worse things than being laughed at or criticized or admonished, you can survive all of those. But staying silent will crush you.

    What you write is music. And life. And all of the melody in between...

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  8. Oh yes, I have been there and am there so often. So much of it: thinking too much, questioning myself, giving too much weight to what one person says, staying silent and being afraid of what happens if I do say something. It is why I said almost nothing about my health for 3.5 years, and why I deeply deeply admire you for saying sad and difficult things anyway.

    But your writing is beautiful and you are beautiful--not perfect, as you life is not perfect, but *good*. I cannot even begin to describe how much your words touch my heart and in what deep, marvelous ways. The poetry of your life is lovely, and I will not look away from it.

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  9. One of the reasons I read your blog is because of how honest you are. You share your life, thoughts, experiences with us, which at times, will include "sad" things. Or rather, real, human emotions. Please don't let an anonymous comment make you doubt yourself. Your writing/words and blog are beautiful.

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  10. Debi...I will not look away. I will return again and again, and go away with a full heart. Your words shower me with goodness and a beautiful view of our life here in Texas. ( we must live nearby, as I am experiencing the different light today and 10 degree chill factor) and I am also the eldest and only daughter, wear baggy 501's and ready for change

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  11. i just hope you don't ever change. i like your style, your words, your photos. you. I want to come here - it's real here and i need to read and see real.
    i also see art in shadows on the wall. you photo here is so great - i like how your body aligns with the straight shadow

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  12. i love and appreciate your honesty and i love your posts, my visits here.
    xoxo

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  13. Just because you write about sadnes sometimes doesn't make you "a sad blogger." I love reading what you write.

    And I know how easy it is to become that little girl who won't read aloud...been there.

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  14. Skye - I tell her often, and I thought she believed. I will continue to do so. Whisper in her ear.

    Meri - Not much in this area, although romance writers do have a group. LOL! I will check out the book you recommended. Many thanks!

    Clyndago - That childhood stuff is so strong, is it not? Thank you for sharing, and hope you keep those not good enough feelings down. :)

    Kelly - yes, yes, yes! Staying silent was crushing me, before I began to write (and write and write some more). Bless you!!

    Amy - We have talked of this; I know you understand totally. Thank you for hanging in with the "poetry of my life". :) Love that!

    Danielle - I appreciate this so much. Life is made up of so many moments; impossible to avoid the hard ones. I think I have learned that one comment - a comment that was not even meant the way I interpreted it - is not a reason to hibernate. Writing through it, despite it, because of it is the way to go. And grow. Thank you.

    Deb - LOL! I think we are close. I'm in Tyler. Thank you for such kind words. I have said before that I would look away if I could, but I don't think that was true. Because I can and I don't, and it helps to look it straight in the eye. There is beauty in emptiness - it shows love once existed. There is beauty in goodbyes. I think there is something beautiful everywhere, however small.

    Leslye - You are too kind. I don't think I can change - I think that's why I felt like curling up and not writing, felt all the questioning bubble up, because I felt I am who I am who I am. And thanks for the photo thumbs up. It reminds me of Darlene's Exquisite Corpse blog. Have you seen that?

    Tricia - I am beginning to exhale. Thank you!

    Gale - Oh. Then you know how easy it is to silence yourself. My heart goes out to you - it's not fun. I hope never to be there again, and I hope the same for you. Muchas gracias.

    xoxo

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  15. first may a I say that the shadowy growth next to the image of you is what thrills me ..your writing is nothing short of a calm moment in a day of swirling words...thank you always for sharing your life in whatever form you need to..

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  16. Holy smokes. Oldest sibling too sensitive perfectionist daughter. How I can relate to that! The best role of any writer is to pull a reader into the words, draw them into the story, evoke emotion, create a temporary alternative universe. I have only been reading your blog for a short time, but Girl, you have nailed that role. And you do it in the short form of blog post. Our lives seem to run on a similar parallel, and what you write is essentially what my thoughts would be – if I would allow my right brain full access, and not allow the left brained pressures of my job and life structure to squash my essence. I have always felt that it is important to give genuine compliments when they are due – and you deserve my compliment.
    (For what it’s worth – an ailing parent is one of the most heavy burdens of love.)

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  17. Elaine - That shadow is dancing in the cool wind this morning, performance art quite happy-making. i am hoping you catch some of that also. Muchas gracias.

    Cheryl - I was almost out the door when AOL told me I had mail, and it was yours, and I am floored. Humbled. Grateful. Full of thank yous. Thank you, thank you. I much needed this this morning and am now off to a date with myself, no money to spend, but an inner artist who needs to be fed, off on lighter feet thanks to you. Bless you.

    xoxo

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  18. to put it plainly, i come here for the words of real life. not the perky, saccharine bullshit dished out post after post, hiding the irksome, sorrowful aspects of life...which we all deal with.

    i know you're gonna give it to me straight and you have the self worth to admit it ain't all gumdrops and sunshine. i repeat, you have the self worth. if anyone reads your words with regularity, they can easily know your life is filled with wonder and art and deep, deep appreciation. they can sense the love and the being loved. they would come to adore your strong and tender soul, just like i have.

    xo, graciel

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  19. Keep on keeping it real sweetie - your words, even the sad ones, are like a big icy glass of Coke on a hot day (you are a Coke girl, no?).

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  20. and yet you wrote it down, framed it in a photo and let your voice be heard.

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  21. I have been a feather in the wind since my grandmother passed away, hardly settled. I too have wanted to be silent, and for good reasons, but really too afraid to write them on my blog. Your words are freeing, your honesty moves me to want to stay true to myself. To be bolder. You are inspiring with images and words. You paint with your words! Thank you for sharing your truth!

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  22. Oh, Debi. I don't have the words to tell you how full your words make me feel sometimes. One thing I know - "I have a good life..." is all we can ever really ask for. Right? And also, I think we make it for ourselves when we choose to enjoy and be grateful for good even knowing we didn't get perfect.

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