“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

8.13.2010

4 months ago today

and she was gone.

The Spring of No Maggie became the Summer of No Maggie, the hot nights once shared with her under the stars now just too-hot nights; I visit them seldom. The house is still empty, still wondering where she is, her spaces not filled, her places still hers. That corner where she lay on the rock wall crossing the footbridge over the creek still says Maggie, all the blue chairs still say Maggie, and the space next to my belly while I nestled on the couch reading still says Maggie. My heart whispers it, my heart alone knowing she won't be back.

This time after her ending has, like all times after all endings, been a trickster - long and hard and slow, but so fast. Too fast for my heart, too fast for my soul. In my mind's eye I see her in a child's version of heaven, curled on a corner of its wall, overlooking us here on earth, looking down, keeping an eye on me the way she used to keep an eye on her yard, full of cat contentment and patience. She was nothing if not patient. Always.

Today is hot. The clover blossoms where last she lay are gone. The house next door is now the color of butter. I am older by far than 4 months, and I am younger. I eat popsicles for supper and chicken for breakfast, and chocolate when I want. I read and watch baseball on tv. This Summer of No Maggie will soon be gone; autumn awaits with its own memories of her. It will be too fast and then Christmas will be here and then spring and April will return and it will be a year and I will find it impossible to believe.

29 comments:

  1. Oh my... How time goes so quickly and yet the pain still there. But yet, you realize the beauty of life. Popsicles for dinner. Chocolate when you want. Living.

    xoxo

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  2. Oh time, mean, selfish moving too quickly time. It never waits for us, we always wait for it, and somehow still, don't notice its passing.
    Maggie is gone, but she is somewhere, right now.
    Take your comforts, any way you can. Popsicles, chocolate, books, baseball. Summer is short and years are shorter and right now is here to hold you.

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  3. I am so sorry for your sorrow----- my heart breaks for you for loosing someone so special but we all have lost---- some our beloved pets and some our beloveds....
    I cannot read your blog for feeling so sorry for you. I dont read it often because I then would forget about the good times and only think about the tragedies.
    I do hope that in the future you can learn to remember the good times- we resolve ourselves that in the future we will all meet our loved ones- both our 2 legged ones as well as our 4 legged ones.
    I bid you peace !!!!!

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  4. around each corner is the passing of time .. so swift. I relish the way you describe the very special ways and places your sweet Maggie was in your life.

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  5. I love this. Thank you.
    I am having that experience over and over again...Almost 3 years, but it feels like 10 & like last week...
    Almost 2 years & it feels like 15 minutes ago & like 30 years from now.
    The heart finds its own way through. The head can look for clues all it wants, but the heart keeps holding them close, and letting them go, knowing they only went to the center of my heart.

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  6. I am so sorry.
    You've described perfectly, the feelings that anyone who's gone through this has.

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  7. Life without my Kitty seems inconceivable. No, she doesn't have a lot of patience with me, but a more contented cat would be hard to find.

    Had to chuckle when I read your reference to popsicles for supper and chicken for breakfast -- we must have something similar in our brains. One day the little girl from upstairs saw me eating chicken for breakfast and chastised me for doing so. I told her I was a bachelor and could eat chicken any g.d. time I wanted. And yeah, I used to be addicted to popsicles -- it took a 12 Step Program and a few shots of Methadone to get me through withdrawal. (j.k.)

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  8. Caroline - Time has flown, and yes, you move forward, you live. The pain will always be there a bit, I think, but the joy of my life with Maggie far outweighs that.

    Kelly - Time is just a mean thing, is it not? :) But there are pleasures and comforts always here, and that is one thing a cat will definitely teach you - to take advantage of both.

    Anonymous - Oh, I feel bad that you think my life is so sad. It's so not - I have a wonderful life. But I need to write down the sad as well as the good; it is why I am here. I appreciate your concern - thank you so much.

    Elaine - Muchas gracias. The words sometimes take the place of tears, but the tears fall less and the memories take their place. One day at a time. :)

    Skye - Time is as elastic as our hearts, methinks. My niece is almost 14 - how did that happen? - wasn't she just learning to walk? In both good & bad, time plays with us.

    Lisa - I read a piece today by a man still mourning his dog, 8 years after the dog's death. And Mr. Bojangles - after 20 years he still grieved. :) We have all been here. It is comforting to know we are not in this alone, though our hearts feel very alone. Bless you.

    Donald - I am glad I am not the only one. LOL! Life without popsicles would be an empty life indeed. And I am up for anything for breakfast - well, almost. It is my favorite meal.

    Thank you all so much.
    xoxo
    Debi

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  9. i love that you have blessed us with your words....
    i've missed them...

    or maybe i've just missed you....you come with words you know....and i love that about you.

    and the sadness and the happiness....it all goes too fast....damn.

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  10. Beth - I couldn't help it. LOL! Thank you so much! xoxo

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  11. DEBI
    Oh I don't feel your life is sad, quite the opposite.
    In fact, that person who feels you are full of tragedy is far off the mark.
    You are chock full of LOVE and life, and you are so deeply submersed in the noticing of details. I love that about your blog and you.
    Thanks for sharing both your triumphs and your sorrows. Anyone who has ever EVER lost a cat (I've lost two) will relate to this.
    Forever more, there will be the summer, winter, spring and fall of NO ________.
    Sad, but true. That they magically enhanced our lives is a gift only we can understand I guess.
    xoxo
    Suppose I feel sorry for people like anon who have never loved enough.

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  12. Gillian - Thank you. I worry so often that I am just sad blogging too much, but I am talking about life, and sometimes life is just sad or hard. And my blog was always meant to address it all. I don't think Anonymous meant anything bad - I think she was wishing me well, sending me some peace - but I admit it kind of bothered me that it made her feel bad for me. I hope she reads this and understands it's just been one of those years for the last year and a half - LOL!

    Oh, and yes, it will be The Year of No Maggie forever. Sweet Maggie deserves a little remembering now & then.

    xoxo
    Debi

    (Can't wait to see you blonde!)

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  13. Pets are so often like our children, aren't they? They settle into our homes and find a place in our hearts.

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  14. As I sit here with Shatzie in my lap, reading your post I want to hold on to my dear kitties forever! I dread the day I have to live without them. Keep your heart surrounded with love and I hope the lonely time passes quickly. Your Maggie is watching over you. :-)

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  15. so true the sadness comes and goes but we are so lucky to have the memories that last forever. I love that you blog no holds/feelings barred, it's what keeps me coming back for more.

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  16. Maggie will be treasured in your heart forever. We planted a Daphne bush in the yard in memory of my Daphne kittie. I waited a while before so I could mourn her properly, as you are mourning Maggie. Our pets bring so much joy into our lives. Now I giggle and laugh at the new love of my life, Joey. So different, but again so much JOY. It sounds like you are mourning your Maggie properly and with love.

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  17. I just found your blog. I know your sorrow...In the 35 years I have been married I have had multitudes of cats and now a great rescue German Shepard. One of my kitties has really stayed in my heart. But I have a new love;Mr. Parker, a feral we rescued when he was 4 weeks old. He is now 10 months and a typical little boy. Will he ever be beloved Velvet? No but he has brought lightness back to me. I hope you will consider adopting a new love. kath

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  18. Susanna - It's true. I spent almost every day and night of the past 18 years with her, and at times it felt like her home and that she allowed me to settle in - LOL!

    Christina - Thank you for that. xoxo

    Becca - The loneliness is moving away. It still feels like Maggie's home and Maggie's places, though, and I think it always will. Her spots will be shared with others eventually, but they will always be her spots. Muchas gracias.

    Suvarna - I appreciate so much hearing that; it means a lot. xo

    Marilyn - I LOVE that! I think that's wonderful! And thank you for your words about mourning. I have never been one to quickly move on from a loss, although I admit some have been easier than others. You just never know.

    Kath - Welcome! So glad you dropped by. I have a cat at work - Lily - and for now she is more than enough for my heart. She has been a blessing. I hope to perhaps one day bring her home, although she has lived at our business for over 4 years and that is her place, and you know how cats are re: their spaces (much like me - lol!). That time is a ways down the road, though. Thank you again.

    xoxo
    Debi

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  19. I love you, sweet friend. That's all. Just love you.

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  20. Really, I think you are very brave to talk about Maggie as often as you need to. I could never do this because I am so terribly self-conscious about how others will react to what I say, and I admire that you are able to say these difficult things anyway, and in such a beautiful and healing way. Huge hugs to you and your beautiful Maggie both.

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  21. Relyn - And that is enough - more than I could have hoped for. :)

    Amy - I worry constantly about how others will react, but in the end, it helps me stay sane (I can hear the ever-wondrful Michael laughng at that), and I, selfish as it sounds, come first. My blog title says art & anxiety, and I meant that. There ARE things I keep secret though - LOL! Thank you!!

    xoxo

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  22. it makes me sad to read this and know your sorrow. our pets fill such a special place in our lives. i know it must be hard to see that empty chair.

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  23. I was thinking of you and Maggie today. Even though this wasn't posted today.
    Forever changed, this life without...

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  24. Wow. I am taking a lunch break at work, came upon your blog and this post, and the tears just started flowing. I lost my Soul Cat last June, it's been over a year, and I've reluctantly dealt with it. But your beautiful words about Maggie struck the exact nerve to initiate emotion. Fortunately I'm by myself in a back office and no co-worker is wondering what deep end I've fallen off of. Thank you for your lovely words, and for sharing your story.

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  25. Leslye - It is hard. It was hers. But it also makes me happy to see it because it was hers and I have all those memories of her in it. And of her in all the other little blue chairs. She just took them over.

    Paula - Yes, forever changed - in a good way for having shared my life with her, and now, in this new way, a different chapter without her.

    Cheryl - Oh, my heart goes out to you. I am so, so sorry - it is just so hard. I call Maggie my heart cat - I love that you used Soul Cat. They are both, aren't they?

    xoxo
    Debi

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  26. I too, appreciate always that you speak your heart...the joy, and sorrow...Sending you much love and hugs.xo

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  27. You are as real as they come.
    Every single word means something. Has a purpose.
    I love you for it.

    And all of those places..will always belong to Maggie. Forever.

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