“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

7.13.2010

In Which I Join a Revolution

It's not much of a heart and it is sideways but I park in front of it every day and every night and when I walk out the front door it's one of the first things I see and I always see it as a heart. Almost I don't see it as a rock anymore, it's just a heart and it sits there pointing out to the street, nestled next to the flower bed where the dogwoods grow. Another heart shape in my life, in the path under my feet.

I hear people talk all the time about how we must love ourselves if we expect others to love us, and I always nod, of course, I think, that's so true, and I always think I do; I know I am tough on myself, I know my faults, I know I am insecure and I know I have issues - who among us doesn't? - but always I think I love myself, at least I thought all that until last night when I had a bath - a bath with a dribble of some Neroli oil stuff I found stashed away in a drawer. It's the first tub of hot water I've sat in in a couple of years, me, who used to adore baths, who believed in the healing powers of hot water. It's crossed my mind a time or two while standing under hot water in the shower, crossed my mind that I hadn't had a good soak just for the sake of soaking in a long while, but the thought would go down the drain with the water, and it would be a while before I thought of it again. I don't know why and I'm not sure how interested I am in knowing the why of it. Soul searching can be exhausting and I soul search way too much anyway.

Instead of why, the word that comes to mind is kindness. To me. To myself. I don't practice it enough, despite the Kit Kat bars and the reading binge and the phones off the hook and the new pink rain boots with white polka dots - despite all that, I am not kind enough. There are excuses and reasons - there was a cat to be cared for, there is not enough time, there is not enough money. There is always a reason. I think of the artist's dates Julia Cameron wrote about and know that I have not only neglected my inner artist, I have neglected my inner me.

"nourishment is crucial.
joy is crucial.
sacredness must be rediscovered . . .
an inner revolution"

I found those words at Graciel's yesterday. She is reshaping her life - go there and read the whole thing; she says it so much better than I do. I read it and laughed at her perfect timing - a not unusual occurrence between she and I. She says she will move slowly, I say I will move in baby steps - they are really the only steps I know. Graciel says her skin feels thin; I know this feeling exactly. My skin feels thin, as if it is ready to be shed, and while it is still me underneath, still blue eyes and hair that always needs a haircut, still me who never gets enough sleep, still that me, it is a new skin. A new skin that reminds me how wonderful a bath can be.

9 comments:

  1. i'm so glad to have your company along the road to inner evolution. you gave me valuable insight here...it is true scorpio nature to feel irritated or thin in one's own skin just before it is shed and new, vibrant layers are revealed. you've given me hope.

    and let me whisper 2 elements of nature that are playing their part in my upheaval and full-throttle quest for joy. excessive summer heat and fleas.

    thanks for the blog love, darlin'. you know i'm mad for you.

    xo, graciel

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  2. and I smile as I read this, twice, and then once again.
    "We're always changing..." another line from a song that I sing, often. "Soul searching can be exhausting" made me laugh right out loud. Indeed, exhausting.
    In the end, there is only kindness.

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  3. soul searching IS terribly exhausting....no wonder it never gets completely finished !

    well, that and the fact that sometimes we don't like the results and we have the ability to walk away without anyone noticing...and then we pay for it later.

    i loved this....and i learned once again, that taking care of me will never be a selfish act....ever.

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  4. I haven't done enough to take care of me lately either. I use to do the artist dates and the morning pages. A soaking bath sounds totally delightful. And yet, I have a grown son that tells me I am selfish. I don't think I am selfish enough; so thanks for the reminder.

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  5. Ohhh, a baaath. I love a good soak but like you, I haven't had one in a long time. It's all about short showers these days...although it's been so HOT here in NJ that I've taken enough short showers to count as a bath!

    And yes, be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to the niceties (is that even a word? Sure it is) in Life. It's easy to put that off, isn't it? We'll have to be kind to ourselves together.

    Btw, I love the idea of having a heart outside your door. The message seems to be: Here's my heart. Welcome!

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  6. Sigh. Why do we always have to be thinking, sweating, shaping, searching...we women? Why can't we just be for a time?

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  7. Oh, I have missed so much. Where have I been?? Oh, yeah. In Oregon.

    I love that your thin skin feels ready to be shed. I have thin skin in the sense that my feelings get hurt easily. Maybe that's the skin I should shed.

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  8. Big smiles :):):):):)

    I love this new path you are on.

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