“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

6.27.2010

Summertime: Stillness, Change, Return

Summer, summertime, and a new blue dragonfly to keep the red ones company out there where I'm standing on the other side of this door looking back in. It looks like summer out there now and the morning heat is heat and the afternoon heat is heat and the evening heat is heat and they all feel different and they all feel like summertime. Last night I was home late and outside surrounded by the sound of cicadas and the thickness of the night and I slept a sleep full of dreams, dreams that made me lay a bit in bed after waking, gathering them close, remembering the dream bluebird, covered with the softest of feathers and kittycat fur, so blue, so blue, who nestled close and let me pet her, who stuck out a pink tongue and licked my thumb, almost purring a bluebird purr.

Our neighbor has built a tall wooden fence - 8 feet? 10 feet? - separating visually our backyards, and it feels private for us, private at last, I feel better seeing the fence out there and feel I can breathe again, feel that the vines and the blooming-once-a-decade climbing roses can return from their mysterious deaths last year - there is already some green mounding over the old chain link fence, growing wild like we like it, wild like she doesn't. It feels positive, that fence, a change in the right direction, and I dreamed of our yard also, of new porches and wild birds and suddenly the front yard was private also, and I dreamed of the house and it had grown and we were using it for new purposes, new creativity, and yes, yes, I know this dream meaning, this message to me, this change it says is possible, is necessary. A table, a big table, I keep talking about it, but I know now it is meant to be, perhaps not that first table I saw - but a long one, and the living room becomes studio. It won't be overnight, but I feel lighter just knowing it will be.

~

I am beginning to take care of me again. I have ignored things, felt bad and depressed and deprived of light and energy for quite some time. I have been sick, blaming so much on losing Maggie, on the last 2 years of keeping her with me, all true, all true, but I ignored me during that time - I was work and Maggie and work and Maggie and again, I regret not one moment, but I fell away somewhere in there. Last week, a dental appointment I'd put off for a year found 2 abscessed wisdom teeth, where I didn't know I had any wisdom teeth. They were removed Friday; I have had no pain at all. It is the first step to finding my way back to me.

~

I heard Maggie last night, I was sure I did, but of course knew it not to be true; when I came into the house from the summer night, her favorite time, I felt she was outside the door and turned. I do these things sometimes - it feels so real; later I thought I saw her outside, the side of her face caressed by moonlight, but of course she wasn't there - I had to look. During the night she meowed in my dreams and I tried to find her but couldn't.

I spent time with Lily cat earlier, to the business to sit with her and read until darkness made it impossible unless I turned on Emma Tree's lights, which have been off most of the year. I didn't want that, I wanted to just sit with her a bit longer in the dark. Before the darkness, we'd watched a bird outside on a wire, unsteady, having a difficult time finding its balance, working hard to settle itself into stillness. At last it did. And I remembered my muse is a bird. Hey there, I whispered, welcome back.

9 comments:

  1. Yes, welcome back. I did not know you before that time, but even still I feel you shifting. And I think she is there, Maggie. Not in the way she used to be, but in the way she is now. She comes to tell you that she is okay. And to make sure that you are.
    I LOVE the photo. And I love that you are finding your way, back to you.

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  2. I love the photo also. It looks like a dancer caught mid-movement. As you are, as you are.
    There is an upward spiral in our growth & movement, isn't there? Circling around, almost to the same spot, but different; a spot that holds more, feels easier~~rest, expansion & settling in to comfort...
    I look forward to you finding the perfect table, to transforming your space, to all the sweetness a hot summer will bring to you.

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  3. i haven't heard the cicada's yet, here and i know, someday when sophie is gone, i'll still hear her breathing for years and years....i just know i will.

    i'm glad you're taking care of you....maybe that's why the dreams you're having are so vivid and living.....

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  4. You really do have a way of words. I like how you've described the heat...the morning heat and the afternoon heat and evening heat and how they are all different but all feel like summertime. It's HOT here in NJ this week and today is supposed to be especially hot - or maybe it's especially hot for this Canadian!

    Isn't it great when dreams are so visually beautiful that we want to take them, remember them, in our awakened life? I haven't had such a dream in a while...this summer heat makes for restless nights, I find. Ah well...gotta enjoy ALL the seasons. :)

    PS: Your white dress is so pretty, summer perfect!

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  5. heat? Yes, it has been hot, but ya know what? I think I felt a breeze. A welcome breeze of sorts..reckon? thnx for the visit.

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  6. LOVE the photo .. cicadas are SO loud ...wow you remember your dreams so well I do not...

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  7. Good for you, taking care of yourself. Special kitties can really be missed. I had one show up in a dream not long ago. Oh and cicadas, I can't remember when I last heard one. It's been a very long time. Have a happy summer.

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  8. so glad you're taken care of you.
    your bluebird dream is such a happy thought.

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  9. I've always wanted to know what a cicada sounds like, ever since I read about them in a novel...can't remember which one. I don't even know what they look like. Are they like a grasshopper?

    Glad to hear you are finally starting to look out for number one...taking care of you. You truly are healing, my friend.

    much love xo

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