“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

5.14.2010

magic, happenstance, cherries & chocolate

this all-alone leaf, a sign from the gods to me.

it felt quite personal when i happened upon it many months ago, and i have kept it secret, an image i go to now and then, not sure yet what secret it holds, what it's telling me, or if it's just a gift, though i think not, i think it's part of a language i am learning, struggling to speak, to read, a language with no alphabet, no grammar, a language of life, of being, of seeing. this character seems to say stop & go at the same time, seems to say you will fall and something will catch you, the landing will be easier than you think.

i am at work, my new home for now, and this workadaddy week comes to a rainy end with lily on the arm of the loveseat, watching the empty street, the no-curtained windows open to the view here on the bad side of the edge of downtown, which is quite peaceful actually. almost no traffic, just the darkness, a train trestle less than a block away, and how perfect is that? as i typed those words the train's whistle sounded in the night; it runs on tracks behind the across-the-street building and will come into view as it passes beyond, any moment now, the barriers are lowered, red lights blinking a warning, painting the boxcars a red glow as they slide past. a rainy night, a train, another evening me no tengo home; i sit with a cat, not maggie, who has been gone a month now, but lily-who-is-not-maggie. which takes some getting used to when you keep looking for ghosts. tonight i wondered about the timing of the whole exterminating the house thing, the need for a place to sleep sending me here to my business, my office, this cat waiting here, growing accustomed to all nighters with me; i wondered if there is more at work here than meets my aggravation. am i here for her? am i here so she is here for me? or is it just as it appears? happenstance. the house needed exterminating, me so sensitive to the chemicals, me such a homebody, needing a safe place, in limbo, and so here to the business i run, my other safe place.

i believe in both.
happenstance & magic.
i am here in the night,
with those cherries i finally bought,
and the witch of blackbird pond,
and a dozy cat,
and dark chocolate peanut butter cups,
feeding my emotional health.

this little leaf was pointing me forward
when i found it
and stole its image.

9 comments:

  1. this is sublime writing, you know? it may be slightly sorrowful living, ah but you put it into such beautiful words.

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  2. So beautiful!
    And it's all of it.
    As you so perfectly put it, recently: living as the map.

    *happy sigh* for cherries, chocolate, a good read & lily...

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  3. I find my way to your words, stop & rest there. Leave & return. Leave & return.
    Kari

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  4. "you will fall and something will catch you, the landing will be easier than you think"
    That's the life I want to live. And I believe in both, magic and happenstance, and somehow that everything works out the way it is supposed to.
    Forward is the only direction that exists.
    And you know already how I feel about the peanut butter cups...

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  5. happenstance... one of my favorite words.

    sounds like you are in a good place. so glad.

    and now, thanks to you, i want to leave my home and list of things to do so i can drive to trader joe's and get some dark chocolate peanut butter cups. i won't stop craving them unti i do.

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  6. ah sweetie....feed that emotional health....sometimes it's the only thing that feels right....

    and i didn't realize you were such a homebody....me, too and it's painful when others can't appreciate that.

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  7. hello from home ...from the leaf that points you there..you write of such a transition..take care

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  8. I believe in happenstance and magic

    Me too. And grace. I believe in grace.

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  9. Even though I can feel the pain between the lines of these beautiful writings, I can't help but feel so comforted by this imagery. You are creating a safe nest around yourself with these posts..can you see it?

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