“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

4.22.2010

A Dream, A Donut & Calla-Lu

I don't keep cookies in the house
because I have no willpower & will eat them all.
The Red Shoes is on tv.
I haven't cried all day.
And I dreamed last night.

I will write this down
and then go to the store
for cookies or a cupcake
or a gingerbread pig,
or maybe a donut with sprinkles on top.

I dreamed last night. And I remembered it. It is the first dream since Maggie's death, or at least the first remembrance, and that seems important to me, it seems a breakthrough, a sign that she is okay, that she hears me and knows I need comforted. And so I was comforted with a dream of a pale blue silk dress, silk with the feeling of cotton worn down through the years, its bodice adorned with cupcake sprinkles and glitter, a wonderful swirl of a dress that I pulled from the pages of a magazine - it unfurled like a flower, layer by layer until it lay across my arms, puddled onto the floor at my feet, the perfect size. I was in a new house, a house on stilts, a house that wouldn't flood, a secure feeling; the dream of a flooded house a constant theme in my sleep. Michael was there and Katie and there was a room with two beds. Katie needed a calla-lu and I knew that was a special candle, I could see it in my head, in fact could see it in the air, a ghost of a candle, the pink red of azaleas. There was a table piled with fabric, linens and cottons, all worn and dusty colors, each piece hemmed with ruffles, and a mirror that I stood before, admiring the blue dress against me, then piling it atop all those ruffles. A nonsensical dream, a dream of colors and touch and scents and safety, of flowers outside the windows despite the height of the house, of shadows and sunlight. And now that I have typed calla-lu, it occurs to me that these are our pets. Calla represents Lily the cat, greeting me every morning at work, and Lu is for Lucy Lu, Katie's new puppy.

That stops me.
My fingers have gone as blank as my thoughts.
It is so obvious.
I have laughed at that word all day,
wondered where it came from,
what it meant.

Now that I know, I don't know.
What are those ruffles?
That blue?

I cannot think.

I am off to the store.
I am definitely buying a donut with sprinkles.

15 comments:

  1. dreams and thoughts and wondering.....and cupcakes with sprinkles....i think everything is right where it's supposed to be....

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  2. if you get two doughnuts, we could sit by side and just be. no words needed, 'cause you already know i love you.
    x
    o

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  3. I am always amazed when my writing, my words, know something about me before I know it myself. Remember something that I thought I 'd forgotten. Conjure up a word I didn't even know I knew. And I love the way you just described it happening, this channeling.
    And I love that you can't keep cookies in the house either (why I only bake at xmas). And I love that what you wanted after this dream that was a whisper, and a sigh, was fun and sweet and just for you.

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  4. another of your stories via imagery where i can close my eyes and delight in each detail. you are my blue girl. ruffles and linen and flowers.
    xo

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  5. oh..and donuts. i forgot to mention doughnuts. i would love to share a dozen or two with you.
    xo

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  6. wow the imagery in your dreams is even magical. yes a donut with sprinkles is definitely in order.
    love

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  7. oh my, just came from christina....all a flutter...
    then read your 'dreamy' words...
    'sigh' of contentment

    what a gift....from 2 beautiful hearts...

    yummy on the donut...

    xxo, kim

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  8. the blue dress sounds wonderful..and the donut..take good care each new day friend...sending the breeze east to you

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  9. i came here to catch up, because it's been a while since i've been able to stop by.

    i came here and found such beauty in images and words in the three posts that fill you space.

    absolutely love all the photos i saw here today.

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  10. Oh, Debi... Oh, no.

    I've been away for a while. I've been busy. And I was so excited to come and see how you are doing. I never got past the one line that squeezed my heart. The line about Maggie's death. Oh, I am sorry. So sorry. Those are not good enough words. Not nearly. But I am sorry.

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  11. again, so sorry for your loss. heartbreaking for you to lose such a good friend especially the one friend who you could always rely on, to calm and sooth you with a gentle purr. a cupcake is definitely more soothing than a gingerbread pig!! be well.

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  12. miss you . birds on the fence for you today...

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  13. I love the dreaminess of the shot. It really illustrates your dream perfectly.

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  14. A house on stilts..how interesting. To keep you safe, to help you feel safe.
    I so understand the power of water in dreams, and how it links to emotion...almost every dream I remember involves water. The house is trying to keep you afloat above the tides of intense feelings you are trying to sort out.
    Cupcakes help too, no doubt about it. :)
    I can't keep cookies in my house either.

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come. sit under the emma tree & let's talk. i have cookies . . .