“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

4.17.2010

Alone

katie and miss kitty last weekend, the first day the puppy showed up to live with them, miss kitty having to rethink her situation, her place in the house. this weekend i know how she feels. miss kitty has adjusted a bit to the change in her life, to this puppy who tumbles her and teases her, she teases back, she doesn't give in, and i hope to learn a lesson from her. i am not teasing back at life yet, still angry and hurt and not used to the emptiness that has taken maggie's place, but i am still moving through the days, surviving the nights - the nights are the worst, they are the hours i spent on the couch keeping an eye and ear on her, and the night without her closes in too quiet, too still, no sleeping cat on the arm of the couch, the purrs when I would reach out to touch her all gone. i admit to you that the first two nights i slept at work, on the loveseat in the front room, lily the cat keeping me company. the third night i managed to stay home, but slept again on this couch, not yet ready to say she is gone, i can go to bed. but yesterday she came home, her ashes in a white box, and she is nestled onto a shelf in a small glass fronted cupboard, facing my bed, and at last the bed called to me, said sleep here, it is all right.

i picked her up by myself - something i wanted to do, just she and i, driving again toward home. I bought pink gerbera daisies as a celebration of her life and into her box i placed the pawprints of last year and some clippings of her fur i'd put into an envelope before letting her go. i will make a bag to place the bag of ashes in - something maggie would like, nothing fancy; i will handstitch it, it will be small. but time still hangs heavy, as they say, and the time spent tending to her is time in which i wander about.

this will ease, i know, and i will stop talking about her, but not always; she is a part of me and i will remember and there will be good days and days that are not so good. i still feel i have nothing to say unless it is about maggie - that will change, i know, but for a bit i may be gone from here, or i may post only pictures, or who knows? maybe tomorrow i will find different words.

i am lonely for her,
and i give lily extra kisses when i arrive at work.

12 comments:

  1. and again i reach for a tissue to wipe my tears as i read your gentle and real words about life... your thoughts and feelings....and about love...

    and just pictures, when the words can't be formed from the letters floating in your thoughts, will be perfectly wonderful.....anyday.

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  2. This just made me cry... I feel your emptiness...it's so think. Praying the time beings to heal this deep sadness.

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  3. when my moon cat died after 23 years together,lots of moves,adventures and love, I grieved for a very long time. Now I still miss her but smile when I think of her. She still talks to me in my dreams. I know your pain...

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  4. and she will always be a part of you, and the pain will ease, it will, but a tiny part of that will always be with you as well. but your love for her will always be larger than that tiny part, and stronger.
    and we will wait, or listen, or just be here for you as you sort it all out, with pictures, with words, or with time, whatever it takes.

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  5. so beautifully expressed ...
    ... so glad you have the little white box ...this new loss requires you to be tender with you....

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  6. blessings to you, dear debi... may your heart find comfort... your mind find peace... and your body find rest...

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  7. so gorgeously, achingly expressed. more tears as i read this.

    i bow to your tender soul.

    i send love and understanding across the miles.

    xoxo

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  8. Deborah I am so saddened to read this. I had a very powerful dream once, and forgive me being presumptuous enough to think it may help you in missing you dear Maggie.Our dear animals are so precious and I have never forgotten this, to me, very special dream. It is at Textilosophy Oz, the Monday June the 8th posting in 2009.I wish you much gentleness in your grieving.You are such a wonderful poet and artist.It is so warming to me, to see you give dear animals the recognition they deserve.I know somehow that Maggie is in a very special place with your love to warm her spirit.

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  10. hi there
    i found my way back here, thanks to your amazing article in somerset life.
    really fantastic.

    i must visit more often.
    i posted a little tidbit about your article on my blog... i hope you don't mind...
    http://kimklassen.blogspot.com/2010/04/sharing-some-news.html

    i am soo deeply moved by your posting today... thank you for this...

    i just wanted to say, i'm so sorry for your loss.
    my beagle is going to be 13 this week... the thoughts of losing him.... breaks my heart. such a love an animal gives to us...
    so unconditional.

    thoughts and prayers to you, while you work your way thru the loss.

    'sigh'

    blessings to you, kim

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  11. The quiet hours are the ones that are heaviest on your grieving heart. May you find peace in those hours.

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