“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

2.08.2010

Day 9 is for Me & Not Fitting In

Full of words this weekend,
tonight I am an Edward Hopper painting.

Waking with a heart full of not-fitting-in, almost lonely but not time enough alone, too many words this weekend, too inside myself, too thinking, thinking, thinking, but the words came fast and furious and you don't ignore the muse, so I let them come, they live in Mombasa anyway, who was I to stop them, and last night in a room full of people I was alone, settling into that lone-ness, not quite the same thing as alone-ness, but not fitting in, not full of chatter, my words already spent for the day, just settling into the end of the day, into the listening, and later coming home, alone again in a car on a road full of cars, that separateness a blessing, the darkness a disguise for not fitting in, passing the sign pictured above, a neighborhood business, I've seen this sign a million times, but last night it spoke to me like a painting, said everything I was feeling.

This morning I sat with that feeling and sat with the morning to see what today would tell me, and it began to rain, surely a sign to let it be, this lonely in a crowd thing, and so I have, I have allowed it to stay, to run its course like a fever, and that rain poured down all day, bringing a cold wind with it, the rain gone by early this evening, but the cold still here, and as I sit here on the couch, there is a train going by in the distance, its whistle perfect music for this night, for this feeling, and day 9 of love is for me, for the me who is different, for the me who doesn't fit in and never has, for the me who finally understands that it's okay, that it's more than okay, that the fitting in would take away the words.

13 comments:

  1. wow debi....
    this is.... words at their best....with the most feeling I have felt in days.....and I understood them....deeply...

    you fit in here....you know that, right.....you do....

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  2. I think fitting in is highly overrated - especially when you have awesome-ness written all over you!

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  3. This seems to be a common theme this week - you'll see later what I mean. You are understood perfectly.

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  4. solitude and solitary. secure and insecure. we waffle back and forth all the time between dark and light.

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  5. "almost lonely but not time enough alone"...that would be a common feeling for me...

    i read it and re-read it...all of it
    blessings
    elk

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  6. There are some crowds where we are not meant to fit in...just like there are people we are not meant to love. You're right...it is ok. I think it's better to be yourself and not belong, than to change who you are just to fit.

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  7. I read your words on my lunch break and had to reach for kleenex. An arrow of truth straight to my heart.

    Not fitting in is sometimes a hard road to walk, but yes, yes, the creative verve lies deep within that not quite fitting.

    Love to you on day #9.

    xo

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  8. I am surprised, but then not really surprised to read how many of us feel the same way. Alone in crowds, lone but not necessarily lonely, not fitting into all the crowds we are supposed to belong to. Interesting to see how alike we are so many of us. Your words are amazing.

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  9. if i was sitting next to you in that crowd neither one of us would feel alone:) Your beautiful honesty just glows and speaks to many:)

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  10. i SO relate to this. and i so love the way you express it - your honesty about it all.
    i feel that lone-ness and i have the words inside myself but they don't come out.

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  11. "My gosh....." she sighs. MY GOSH!

    How?? Oh, how did you get it so exactly right for you and for me today? We had a party last night. A party I had been looking forward to for a long, long time. And instead, I felt alone, and left out, and lonely. Your post is me. Except the ending. The part where I think it is OK. I'm not there yet. Yet.

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  12. I suspect that sensitives and creatives feel this more acutely than others. And you are both. Use the sense of otherness as fuel for your creative fire. But find your tribe and spend time with members.

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  13. Wow...
    I am with ELK...my thoughts exactly...that one sentence, those few words sum it up and bring complete understanding.

    It's strange that we can feel most alone within a crowd, isn't it? I was invited to a party on Saturday and didn't go because I was scared. Too many strangers...I would have known only one person, and as much as I try to push through that kind of fear, sometimes I just don't want to. I had a BLISSFUL evening in solitude and didn't regret my decision for a second.
    But there is a fine line between solitude and feeling alone... I walk it with you.
    And when that feeling takes the better of you, you know that you will never be alone amongst the hearts and souls that join in to hug you here.
    xoxo

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