“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

6.25.2008

Swoon


No reason for this other than it's the way I'm feeling. Actually, kind of the way I'm looking also, except that the flower is much thinner. I am drooping, and I wish could droop in such an elegant way, such a Marlene Dietrich kind of way - that old movie-star-in-a-satin-dress kind of slouch & sigh & back of my hand to my forehead - silk or velvet chaise placed conveniently nearby, to catch me as I finally succumb & gently teeter a bit this way & then teeter a bit that way, before swooning quite altogether & dropping gracefully down. And then some director saying "Cut, Print!" & I'd be out of that role & back into the world with some energy.

But.

Maggie is sicker & now must receive her fluids at least 5 times a week (the vet would like 7, but I see no way for that possibility) & I am feeling anxious & depressed. The ever-wonderful Michael has been helping give her fluids 3 times a week, and it hasn't been easy. She fights & complains & does NOT want it done. Today was the worst & we had to give up & take her to the vet, which she also does not want to happen. Where I received the new bad news. I'm feeling pretty lost, very disheartened & my heart keeps breaking open a little more each day. I cannot imagine life without her. Yes, I know. A cat. But she's my best friend & she's been there with me through a lot, so how can I not give her this chance? The decision now is to give fluids Monday through Friday, and if we're unable to do so, to take her to the vet that day. I'll buy her another month if nothing else.

I've been letting her stay out at night if she wants because I feel that this may be her last summer. And like me, she's a summertime kind of girl. I am trying to make sure she has joy in her life. She doesn't feel bad, is in no pain, and . . . I will stop here. But I just needed y'all to know - I needed to just get it out there. If my blog is full of depressing things for a while, please forgive me. I don't think it will be - I think I'll need to come here & say other things, but today I can't. Today I need to say this.

10 comments:

  1. Maggie is kind of calming down this summer as well- she's not so panic-ed around me. i always speak to her coming and going and she has forgone bolting when I appear or staring at me like I am soaked in cat blood with a kitten tail hanging out the corner of my mouth. She seems a little happier and even speaks back now and then.

    Robert

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  2. Debi, that is the beauty of your blog...

    It reflects the wholeness of your life...sometimes it's full of joy and serendipitous things, and other times it's shrouded with sadness and loss, and when that happens, you are surrounded by a wonderful group of people here that want nothing more than to support you and love you...and Maggie too.

    I think it is so beautiful that you care so much for her, and want nothing more than for her to be happy and comfortable...no matter what it takes. I have such tremendous respect for that. She is more than just a pet. She is a dear friend, and she is so loved. It is evident in your every word.

    I wish you both well, and will be checking in with you, whether you post about it or not.

    xoxo
    J

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  3. debi, first let me say that my heart goes out to you. Second let me say that I think Maggie wants you to be happy too.
    Now I am going to go and hug my kitties

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  4. Robert - THAT almost makes me cry. I can read all kinds of things into it. I KNOW it doesn't surprise you that I do that. Thanks for posting this.

    Jaime - Thanks for THIS. When I started this blog I was so determined that I would only talk about postive, happy things (no politics either - which I HAVE stuck to!). But I called it Tales of Art & Anxiety to give myself permission to talk about my life, which affects my art. Thanks so much for your understanding & support.

    Michelle - Thanks to you also. It means a lot to know you're out there, hugging your kitties a little bit more. As for Maggie? I hope she wants me to be happy too, but she truly rules the house & I better do what she says or else. LOL!

    Love you all.
    Debi

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  5. awwwww how come blogs don't come with sound effects and microphones? i really want you to hear me saying this "awww you poor sweet girl! i know it's hard. I know it is heart wrenching." pat pat, squeeze pat., small hug. jamie says it just right. your blog "reflects the wholeness of your life..." and that is a great comfort to me and it makes me feel so attached to you. i am glad maggie is not feeling pain or sick. the flower imagery of you swooning in satin is wonderful. lovely languishing debi.
    xoxox

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  6. Robin - Lovely languishing Debi I am not, but it did make me smile! :)

    I feel your hugs - thank you!

    Love, Debi

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  7. They are "only" cats (or dogs) to people who don't care about cats (or dogs). If you love them then no further explanation is needed. Only share with people who respect that amount of feeling.

    And I understand that feeling completely.

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  8. Sarah - Thank you. You are so right. If they don't get it, it's really their loss all around, and I feel sorry for them.

    Debi

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  9. My husband (known as the cat whisperer) had a cat tha we (I) named Mozart. She was his best friend for 17 years and had been through a lot with him too(I was just the second fiddle in that relationship!). She always hung out with him and was expecially concered when he was sick.
    But, oh, to loose a friend like this. Yes, buy her another month; it won't make it any easier to say goodbye, but it will add another layer to that rich relationship you already have.
    Even though Mozart was up in her years, she did leave abruptly; as she was walking mid-stride down our hallway. Vet said it was unusual. So hard to say goodbye, but enjoy the lingering; savor every moment no matter how bittersweet. Make no apologies for having emotions; for being a caring person who has the capacity to love another creature as though it were your own flesh and blood. Everything is right with that.

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  10. Paula - Thank you for this story. It's just hard, isn't it? No way around it.

    I think Maggie will have more than a month - I think she's got a few left. The vet has said he can't give me a good long-term diagnosis, but that months (or maybe longer) are not out of the question.

    The sadness I feel just suddenly appears at times - at other times I'm okay, just enjoying her & watching HER enjoy things.

    Thank you so much.
    Debi

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