“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

6.23.2008

Mirage


The world feels very soft today. Perhaps it's this afternoon's promise of 95 degree heat, which leaves my body feeling limp, my muscles relaxed, my mind lazy. The heat which allows me to wear my oldest, baggiest jeans, rolled up to the knees, with sky-baby blue flipflops. The blooming crepe-myrtles, everywhere now, pink & fuschia & lavender & white, seem to lean against that heat. Or perhaps it's my sense of the fragility of life - Maggie grows thinner daily, leaving me unable to hide from myself the fact that she's grown old, and will leave me sooner than I think I can bear; Mary fell last night, prompting a midnight emergency call that she was okay, but needed help getting up. Perhaps it's the influence of the Summer Solstice, making me aware that time is passing, that I cannot make it stop, or perhaps it's just that I couldn't sleep after returning from Mary's, but lay awake for a while. Perhaps it's that I worked on paintings this weekend, each the colors of summer, with that shimmery mirage feeling of hot childhood days, gone forever.

I am moving in slow motion, aware of each heartbeat, the breeze from the fan at my feet. Nothing seems important, yet everything feels too important. Things feel as if they're slipping away from me, just ahead, around the corner. I sense the going & feel the softness of my heart, my belly, my soul. I see that mirage shimmer of movement as things move away. I reach out to touch them, to stop them, and the mirage disappears. Then returns. Disappears, then returns again, to stay a little longer, to fool me, to play with me, to tease me. A cruel game - not fair, I think.

But the fan keeps turning.

6 comments:

  1. it seems to me that wearing baby-blue shoes should make things cooler. a mirage needs heat, vibrant heat to show itself. stay close to the fan, put a cool rag over your eyes and banish the scene. this time when zippy was sick i knew i had to make every effort to be aware, like you are now, of my heartbeat, her heartbeat and not let the mirage overwhelm me. i knew i might lose her. i guess i know i will lose her but not today. not today i won''t. zippy sends you a small and wet kiss.

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  2. You are so, so, so, so, sooooo talented. We will talk more soon.
    Hugs,
    Cookie

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  3. But the fan keeps turning...

    We experience so many little losses all the time...and life goes on, doesn't it? Just as some things leave, other new wonderful things present themselves. It's a continuum that never stops.

    Life is pretty good when you've got baby blue flip flops.

    I love the slow gentle pace of this post. It is a reminder for me...one more week of mayhem, and my life slows down for two long glorious months.

    xo

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  4. wow. that is a very beautiful posting. i could feel time slow down and watch it passing as i read. a bit agonizing, but wonderful at the same time.

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  5. ALas, here is the difference between north and south. Down south, when the weather cranks up the heat, you all slow down, accept it and then revel in what it brings. While here in the north, and it isn't as if we never get heat, it gets hot and humid every year. We first, fear it, then complain, and then try to stay at teh same pace we are use to (read..Fast) and then we give in and grimly tell ourselves that we were right to fear it in the first place. No kicking back here...it truly is a shame

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  6. Bless you all. I had decided to delete this post - it just seemed so sad, so depressing, so full of self-pity. But how can I resist a small, wet kiss from Zippy? How can I delete all your good thoughts?

    Many many thanks to all of y'all.
    I feel so much better!

    :) Love, Debi

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