“Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories.” ~ J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

5.08.2008

What makes her happy


This painting is one I did when I began meditating, when I was trying to embrace the concept of non-judgmentalism (yeah, like that worked). (Actually, it worked quite a bit - you should've known me before!) (And actually, to be honest, I don't have a big problem with being judgmental - I mean with the idea of being judgmental; pretending that bad things aren't bad is bad karma as far as I'm concerned. Sometimes we need to stop the badness before it gets worse - I think we amass more bad karma for letting bad things continue to hurt people & animals, than we amass for actually doing something about those bad things. And I don't think it's wrong to want to enjoy good things. I mean, I do think if it's cold, it's cold, and to judge that as good or bad or comfortable or uncomfortable is useless, because it is what it is, but, oh, I don't know. Even thinking about it is hard, and anyway, I try to do my best to just let things be unless they need not to be let be. Huh?)

So, ANYWAY, I painted this thinking I was being very above-it-all - that none of these things mattered and that it was okay. I wasn't saying, or so I thought at the time, that they seemed to not matter to anyone but me, and that's what I told people, but looking back, and standing here now looking straight at it, I know that's not true. I know I was mad at people, that I was being hurt by those I thought should know better, that it was just a bad (am I being judgmental by using that word?) time. That I was feeling lonesome & sorry for myself. So I'm fessing up. It DID feel like none of this stuff mattered to anyone but me, and I thought it should matter. When the ever-wonderful Michael looked at this the first time, he said it broke his heart - he felt it was directed at him. But that wasn't the case. I was really just angry with everyone & everything & the universe & saddened by my mother's illnesses, and exhausted that I had no time to enjoy any of the things that made me happy. What I've discovered is that it's up to me to make that time, and when that proves impossible (as it just sometimes does in the real world), to step back & take a breath, don't be so negative, so judgmental (AHA!), to look around at that moment & see what's there. Because there will be something to make me smile.

This morning it's the wild pink roses I passed on my way to work, it's the surprise of an amaryllis ready to bloom in a pot I'd forgotten to clean out after Christmas, it's Lily rolling over & showing me her belly, it's a silly conversation with the guy at the coffee shop about The Rocky Horror Picture Show, it's Maggie finally (maybe) feeling better, it's how good this Coca-Cola tastes, it's the Henry Miller quote on my calendar ~ "Voyages are accomplished inwardly, and the most hazardous ones, needless to say, are made without moving from the spot."




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